Shouldn't I be happy how things are going?

[JustLearning]

My H is in flight mode again. It's been brewing for awhile, especially this past week.

Yesterday, he called about going out to dinner with out of town clients, then goes into a R talk. Yes, on the phone. Typical. It lasted an hour and a half. Of course, alot of silences on both sides. How he's not happy, uncomfortable with me touching him, doesn't know what to do, blah, blah, blah. Nothing new. After 4 years, still the same crap.

The other difference this time is he's actually talked about maybe we just need to split everything 50/50, even his paycheck and he'll get an apt. until he can get himself together. Yeah, whatever. Even making the comment that he could start taking our S9 on weekends, which he said would force him to spend time with S and back off from work. After all this time, he's only taken S9 about twice overnight. And when he did that I'd find out he'd spend that time with ow.

Honestly don't know what their R is, if anything. Who knows. He still won't talk anything about it, not even to admit to it.

His reasons now about not wanting to be with me is that we think and express feelings differently. Duh! Like he's going to find a woman who thinks and expresses like him and live happily ever after? Where do these MLC'ers get this stuff??? He says we just keep talking in circles. Maybe it's because I don't know what he wants me to say, or do. Does he want my permission? Forget it. To ease his conscience? No way!

Anyway, of course he didn't come home last night. He was at the house today to get his toiletry bag while I was out with my best friend, who, bless her heart, spent the whole day with me trying to help me think and do things other than stew and cry. He called the house then about 2pm leaving a message about being at the house and maybe coming over tomorrow to see S9 and us talk a little bit.

So, we'll see what happens. We've been here many times before. Even this conversation, me thinking it was the end. Maybe this time it is. I am just so so tired.

The hardest part in all of this is going to be the hardest on S9 and S12. More so for S9, because it's his dad and he's always been a daddy's boy. And he is still of the opinion that dad is the bee's knees. This is going to break his heart all over again. And guess who gets to pick up the pieces again? The only one he can really rely on.

To top all of this off, I found out yesterday that my parents are behind in their mortgage payments and may lose their house. My dad didn't work for 2 months this past summer after having surgery to repair his lung, and mom is having trouble finding work in their new area after moving a year ago.

Oh yeah, our furnace went out last weekend too. But the bright spot is that my Ex (S12's dad) is friends with a HVAC business owner in my town and my Ex owes me child support money. So him and his HVAC buddy made some sort of deal and I got a furnace for free! Ex owes me a lot of money and I know it will take years if at all for him to pay it all back, so I figured why not?

I'm truly not sure how much more I can take. My shoulders are strong and I know I'll get through it, but I wish I had an inkling of when my life will be crisis free and I can start feeling truly happy and content.

This whole sitch just stinks!

Thanks for listening. JL