Shouldn't I be happy how things are going?

[JustLearning]

Haven't been here again in a while, but felt that I needed to come and update. Journal some. Vent some.

Overall, things in my sitch haven't really changed. My H is still in a fog, still living here at the moment. He still avoids any talk about us or his A. We did have a heated discussion which did calm at some point about all of this, me showing the pic I found of him and OW, proving that there was "something". He still says nothing. How can someone have such a tight control on his words? Not even a word about my obvious snoop. And even tho' he still didn't say anything, I felt it validated my the feelings that it existed.

I don't want details, but I do want him to come clean, face up to what he's done, get a sincere apology about hurting me. I'm just looking for some honesty. Not really sure he knows what that is. He's been burying and hiding his emotions for so long I'm not sure he'll ever find them.

He's still away alot on business. Because I don't trust him still, I don't always trust that that's what he's doing. He was gone 2 days last week, then left again Sat. morning, won't be back until tomorrow. Both of those trips he's shown me paperwork for the trip, for this trip he showed me the flight itinerary. I saw the cost of the RT ticket, and I KNOW he would never pay that much for this trip! But, i've only heard from him once since he left. That hurts.

He sent me an e-mail last week while he was gone saying we needed to talk about what to do about us, that things are getting worse, just ignoring it. So, of course, when he comes back, I waited for him to start the convo. He never started it. This is his typical behavior. We've done this so many times. Even if I had started it, he wouldn't have opened up. But, I'm still wound up about his comments.

I'm still looking for work, but the market stinks right now, and not having any experience in the field I want doesn't help, even with an Associate degree. I'm looking at taking some more classes to help me feel more comfortable with a couple of computer programs.

My PMA is in the toilet at the moment, still trying to figure out where I fit in this world. I'm feeling disconnected from just about everything. I don't like it. It's like I'm just floating through life, doing what has to be done. Going out on ocassion, but this sitch is always in the back of my head.

I am going to try to find a T again. Start counseling again. I am also going to suggest that we go to MC. We need it desperately. I would like to try to be upbeat and happy, act "as if" when he gets back. It's hard for me to be the touchy-feely person that I am with him because he doesn't return the affection much. An ocassional kiss and/or hug, that's about it.

I know he is still running from himself. He needs therapy, alot of it, but i certainly can't make him go. I'm trying to take care of myself, but that's hard too. Hence, my reason for returning to therapy.

We got into a bit of an argument a few weeks back. I ended up telling him that his life was a train wreck. That's how I see it. I think there is a lot of guilt in him for what he's done but he doesn't know what to do with it. So much depression, and he buries it in his work. And maybe even still in an A. I really don't know if it's ended or not.

You would think that after over 4 years of this, I'd be a pro at it. That's not even close to being true. I'm still wrapped up in his crap. I think I actually did better when he wasn't living here. It would be different if he was willing to actually work on this M. He's not changed himself in any way. Why is it me that feel's like I have to make all the changes?

I have started reading a book called "The Peter Pan Syndrome". I think my H fits into this category, and unfortunately, so is my S9. Has anyone read this book? Any thoughts about it? I'm not finished with it yet, so we'll see what are the things to avoid in raising my S9 to be just like his dad. This sitch has affected him in many ways. Ways that I don't think we've seen yet. Sometimes it's hard to distinguish what is "just being a kid" and the sitch.

That's about it for now. Any suggestions?

JL