Ellie, Wow! Thanks so much for posting! I have read many of your posts around this board and have greatly appreciated your wisdom that you share with others. I have learned much from you, indirectly!

Thanks for the encouragement about getting a job. It helps having an outside voice to drown out that annoying inner critic telling me to be afraid.

Gaslighting! The C I was seeing said that to me when I first started finding out about OW. That that's what he was doing. I had never heard the term until then! He hasn't denied the A in a very long time, he just doesn't say anything! Nothing, nada, not a word. Even when confronted. Talk about frustrating!

I do believe that he is using my supposed bad housekeeping skills as an excuse to keep the convo away from his bad choices. So I feel it's his guilt that makes him say these things. But I also believe that the neatness and order is something he needs to make him feel that things are in control. Although he is not a neat nick, by any means. He can't even put the phone book back in the drawer when he's done with it. He constantly leaves things out on counters and tables. But has the nerve to criticise me? GGGRRR!!! I don't know what things were like for him at home growing up, his parents and both siblings are all dead now. So I only have extended family recollections and never really asked about this particular thing.

We have had several discussions (a couple of years ago) where we talked about our conflict avoidance tactics. We would start to get into an argument, shut it down, sweep it under the rug, and the resentment and anger festers. So I told him that we needed to work on telling each other if we had a problem with anything and to discuss it. Now in the last couple of weeks, most of the things he has to say to me are criticisms. And he is throwing those old convos in my face.

I feel like we just go round and round, doing the same dance, no matter what I try. It's like no matter what I try about changing my behavior, he's on this one path and nothing is going to deviate it. Maybe that's why I feel that at times I just need to tell him like it is. No beating around bushes, no walking on eggshells.

His depression seems to be like a second skin that he can't shed. He's had it so long, it's hard to remember him any other way. Then I wonder, was he ever really happy? Or was I just an interruption in his depression? Questions I'm sure I'll never get answered.

I truly don't know if the A is over or not. My guess is that it is, for the most part. This trip he's on is making me anxious, I guess cause I've hardly heard from him. which overinflates the mistrust. If I can put away the feeling of rejection, maybe I can work on flirting a bit (not sure if I even remember how! ) or touching a shoulder as I walk by, a few more smiles, etc.

Ellie, you're probably right about him being torn. I still see him sitting on the fence of staying or going. I'll not say anything R wise for awhile again. (I seem to keep my mouth shut for quite a while, then it builds, something triggers the anger, and I point out the home truths. It may not be productive, by DB standards, but it helps me and gives him a shot a reality on ocassion.)

I have been dealing with my own mild depression, which I am thinking again about trying out some AD. Not sure if they would help. It's just like a feeling of having a low grade fever, you don't feel feverish, just not feeling well, don't feel yourself, not sure what's wrong. That's how I've been feeling for a long time. So staying out of his depression is a difficult thing on many occasions.

So, working on my own PMA is top of the list!

Maybe once I get a job, feel a little more financially independent (since he pays for everything here) then I can throw him out on his keester and find that young stud!

JL


Life is not measured in the breaths we take, but in the moments that take our breath away...