Thanks for stopping by and posting. It's funny that you ask about the obvious about telling him about my LL (which I never thought of it that way until recently). I think it was just this past week that when he came to bed (yes, he's been in our bed since he returned) I rolled toward him and starting rubbing his chest and arms for a few minutes. I said "not sure if this bothers you, but I need some physical touch on occasion", continues another minute then stopped. He grunted once, his way of answering but not answering if you know what I mean. He never touched me. Kept his hands up under his head, until a few minutes after I stopped, he rolled away from me and proceeded to fall asleep and snore.
I stopped when I did for 2 reasons. One, I didn't want him to think I was doing it just to get s$x. And two, it gets emotionally painful when he doesn't reciprocate. The rejection sucks. Maybe I need to try to get past that feeling and do things like that a bit more often.
Talking to him about how I'm feeling or what I would like, I think right now are useless. I think right now it will just put more pressure on him. I know that this journey is still all about him, the rest of us are just "there".
It's funny to talk about his depression. Does anyone have a spouse that you know is dealing with depression, but also know that they are working really hard at disguising it? That's how I see my H. He has closed himself off, within himself, burying emotions he doesn't want to deal with. But can portray a calm, trouble-free person. What I don't ever see though, is true happiness. I don't see a person who likes his life, even when I knew he was seeing OW. He wasn't happy a while before the bomb, hasn't been happy since the bomb and seperation, and isn't happy now. Will he ever figure it out? Who knows. Not sure if I can stick around long enough to find out.
Life is not measured in the breaths we take, but in the moments that take our breath away...
