Quote: I graduated with an Associate Degree in Applied Science!!!
Congratulations!!! Don't worry about your work history - I think, a previous SAHM with a brand new degree will be viewed the same as any new grad. Get yourself some good interview clothes and go on work interviews with confidence - after all, with all that home-management and people skills you've acquired, you've got way more to offer than some 22 year old!
Quote: I found that tonight. I got the shakes for a minute, then heat across the back of my neck. Now I'm over it. I've put it back, don't even feel like telling him I found it. But it's proof that I'm not going crazy.
Don't you hate the gaslighting? Your gut tells you one thing, your spouse tells you you're crazy??? Grrrrr!!!
Quote: I want to be affectionate with him, but am afraid. I'm tired of the feeling of rejection. We got into it a couple of weeks ago, a R talk, I started it. Basically he is using the excuse that I'm a bad housekeeper and that I don't do anything around the house. That he'll just have to "accept it" and do everything himself. HA!
Oh yeah, the famous "I can't sleep with you because the house isn't spotless" line!!! I've lived that story. Here's my take on it: - first, of course, remember that the depressed WAS is LOOKING for explanations for why they feel the way they do, and will grasp at straws, no matter how ridiculous. (I always remember the LBS whose spouse claimed he left because she was "too fat" at 5'8" and 126 lbs.!!!!)
- second, though - it may be their reality. My H craves order, comes from an obsessively neat family, and truly cannot sleep well in a messy bedroom. For a long time I never really understood the effect it had on him, because, frankly, in my world that would be RIDICULOUS! But it's not ridiculous in his world. Clutter made him feel unloved and uncared for, and causes him anxiety. With three kids in a small house, we'll never be clutter-free, but it did help when I tried to time my clean-ups for just before H came home - that way he got to see the 15 minutes a day that things were uncluttered! (If you go to work, you MUST hire a housekeeper to come in once every week or two - one of the best things I ever did for my marriage, although it didn't prevent the bomb.)
- third - depression makes EVERYTHING irritating. It must be a terrible existence. And it's not much better to be on the receiving end of "you walk too heavy, you talk too loud, you're too this, you're not enough that". It wears on you, doesn't it? Try to remember that it's the depression talking, okay?
Quote: I initiate very little with him. He kisses me every morning goodbye, or if he's going away at any other time. That's the only intimacy we have. He doesn't seem to want any more than that. I have initiated a couple of times, he didn't turn it down. It wasn't anything other than a release,
Quote: Do I still just leave him to it? Or should I start making a few moves toward him, in small ways? I've done it before and it feels awkward and he seems distant. Do I keep trying or just wait until he comes to me?
I guess the answer depends on where you think he is right now. IF you strongly suspect he's back/still with oW - then I would consider a different approach - being mysterious, going out at night, letting him wonder what you might be up to. If, on the other hand, you think he's truly broken off with her, he may just be feeling too much guilt to initiate, and may need to see a flirtatious, happy, cheerful Act As If poster girl. (BTW, waking him up with oral sex in the middle of the night can be a good way to get past that rejection issue - by the time he wakes up, he'll be too far gone to say no ).
If I had to guess, I'd say he's still torn, and telling himself he's only home "for the kids'. Pushing him and having R talks will probably not help - but reclaiming yourself, continuing to GAL, being HAPPY because you don't have to follow him into his depression - can make you a beacon of light he might want to follow.
(Or - you could toss him out on his keester and find a young studmuffin to keep you satisfied - your call, girlfriend ) Ellie
But it's not ridiculous in his world. Clutter made him feel unloved and uncared for, and causes him anxiety. With three kids in a small house, we'll never be clutter-free, but it did help when I tried to time my clean-ups for just before H came home - that way he got to see the 15 minutes a day that things were uncluttered! 
