Shouldn't I be happy how things are going?

[JustLearning]

Yup...I'm still around, the few of you that may remember me. I rarely post to anyone (which I feel bad about, but never feel that I have the right words) but I do read fairly regularly. I'm here to journal/update/get all the crap off my chest.

The biggest surprise is that H is still here. It will be 5 months the beginning of Sept. Does that mean that things are improving? No, they aren't. We are still almost completely emotionally disconnected. We are roommates/co-parenting. Not much else. We do go places together, I continue to go with him to his races. We do things as a family, but nothing on our own.

The really cool positives that have happened recently:

I graduated with an Associate Degree in Applied Science!!! I am very proud of myself for getting this degree and had a party to celebrate! That was in June.

My sons and I (S12 and S9) went abroad for 2 weeks! We had a great time! During the time we were away, H called me every day but 3 of them, and on those days he texted me. In my opinion that was huge! (not that things have improved since I got back mind you )

Now I am trying to work on my resume to start looking for a job. I am working through my fear that even though I have this degree I have no experience, and haven't worked in 9 years. Trying to build up my self-confidence to get out into the workforce. Knowing it's going to be a huge adjustment for all of us.

I am working on my own life. Trying to improve myself and the way I think about myself. It's a very hard process. Two steps forward 3 steps back.

Not really sure how long H and I can keep up this fake life we are living with each other. He is still in complete denial to me about the OW (which I know a bit more about the sitch, thanks to a former employee of H's). I'm starting to believe that she doesn't know about the R H has had with me. I think he's kept her in the dark about alot of his life. And used work as his cushion between the 2 lives it looks like he was living. Also think they had a falling out. I have found stuff in the basement and garage, which indicate he'd packed ALL his stuff and brought home. Yes, I snooped. H missed only one thing. I found one pic of the two of them together at some party, sitting at a table, posing, all chummy. I found that tonight. I got the shakes for a minute, then heat across the back of my neck. Now I'm over it. I've put it back, don't even feel like telling him I found it. But it's proof that I'm not going crazy.

H is gone until Wed for work (so he says). I still don't trust what he says. Don't know what to do from here. I initiate very little with him. He kisses me every morning goodbye, or if he's going away at any other time. That's the only intimacy we have. He doesn't seem to want any more than that. I have initiated a couple of times, he didn't turn it down. It wasn't anything other than a release, most likely for both of us. I am a passionate, touchy-feely kind of person, and this kind of R is killing me. I want to feel loved, wanted, someone to pet on me. He doesn't touch me in any way, except for an occasional hug that comes with that kiss.

We do not talk about my trip to his home country. He doesn't ask how his family is. Every day that he called he never once asked to talk to them. He is still depressed, just burying himself, still, in his work. Not taking responsibility for his part of this. And I believe the guilt in what he's done to me and the boys is eating him up. I believe he doesn't know how to fix it.

I want to be affectionate with him, but am afraid. I'm tired of the feeling of rejection. We got into it a couple of weeks ago, a R talk, I started it. Basically he is using the excuse that I'm a bad housekeeper and that I don't do anything around the house. That he'll just have to "accept it" and do everything himself. HA!

I pointed out that the house doesn't look any different than it did when he moved out 4 years ago? Who took care of everything during that time? Huh? I told him I was tired of tiptoeing around the elephant (OW) in the living room and that he was going to need to face the mess he's made.

I know I didn't handle it as well as I should have. But I'm tired of ignoring the elephant, tired of the tension that seems to hang between us all the time. Until he can get his head out of his a$$, I mean depression , we won't be able to work on this at all.

I've been acting as if, I've been understanding and helpful. I've gotten angry and let him know what about. I've kept my mouth shut when I shouldn't have. I'm trying to work on getting things done around here so he sees I'm working around the house (not that I never did before. My house is nothing more than lived in. I'm one who picks up throughout the day, without realizing I'm doing it. Less trips up and down the stairs! )

Do I still just leave him to it? Or should I start making a few moves toward him, in small ways? I've done it before and it feels awkward and he seems distant. Do I keep trying or just wait until he comes to me?

I have to start facing facts that my H may never come out of this. I don't know if he's ever going to be able to admit to his mess and his mistakes and want to work on making it up to me.

Well, this is another book, but thanks if you've read this far. Any comments or suggestions are greatly appreciated!

From an "oldtimer" who still doesn't feel that she has a handle on her emotional life.

JL