Boy, I really do have a hard time posting on any regular basis. It feels mostly just the same stuff repeated, and after 4 years, it gets old.

Today, though, I needed to get this out and try to find some clarity. I have felt foggy and incredibly lost about what path to choose. These questions have become louder since I started reading Snodderly's thread over in MLC about pursuers and distancers.

Here is the sitch at the moment:

H is still here, which makes it almost 2 months. Although he is gone quite a bit on business. Not even sure I fully believe that. He informed me 2 days ago that he may have the opportunity to go to the Indy 500 (a chance of a lifetime, his words) this weekend. The ticket comes from one of the managers from another department. Of course, it's only for him and a bunch of other guys. This is yet another weekend away for him.

What burns me is that he's all excited, which is fine, except that here we are almost June and he still will not talk to me about our trip abroad. Our tickets (if we can even get any now) we pay with frequent flyer miles which he has to do because they are in his name.

This is just the latest incident. Other things that don't feel right, S9 still asks him in the evenings when he'll be over again. H won't talk to him about the fact that he's basically moved back. But feels more like a lodger, than a H. He still has yet to unpack his things. The suitcase is still sitting in the foyer.

He's about ready to drive me crazy! I don't know if I should basically ignore him, no kisses or hugs, no questions about his day (something he's famous for towards me). I am getting the feeling that if he can't have the basic courtesy of a husband, why should I? I know that is childish, but this is getting so old.

Or do I continue to offer the little things, such as a kiss goodbye, a hug, asking about his day, etc. I've never been one to nag or be controlling, I've always been supportive of his job and his traveling. But I have a hard time with it now because I see him using it as an escape from his personal life.

When we got into the convo about his trip this weekend, we got into a bit of a R talk. His comment (yet again) is that he doesn't think a relationship should take work. It should just "be". I did refrain from responding "maybe that's why you are on your 3rd wife". But I had to bite my tongue hard!

I know he is still in MLC, and not quite sure where he is. It seemed the minute he came back, he changed. We were getting along so well, having fun, laughing. Not 2 days later, he's back to being quiet, not talking about work, not doing anything around the house, etc.

I am at my wits end. How do I proceed? I am always on alert for when the other shoe drops and he leaves again and that is no way of living. I also wonder if he's just waiting for me to graduate and then wash his hands of us? That's the overanalyzing part of my brain that I have to deal with too.

I am living my life the best of my ability, and trying to move forward, but its hard at times to not get sucked back into his drama.

Life is not measured in the breaths we take, but in the moments that take our breath away...