It's been a really long time since I've posted on my thread, I'm actually surprised my thread is even still here!

Most of you won't know me, I've been at this game for close to 4 years now. Wow, it's amazing to learn that time flies when you're not having fun too. I felt that I needed to come back, to get things out of my head. An objective opinion of what's up with my sitch these days.

I have a tendency to write long posts, just giving fair warning. Will try to condense as much as possible.

What I believe to be my H's MLC seems to run in pretty regular cycles. After last summer's fiasco of taking our house off the market, finding out H was still hanging out with OW, my depression hit another low spot. He has never stopped coming around. It went back to once, maybe twice a week. And the one was to watch the kids while I am in school.

By Oct or Nov I'm feeling pretty good again about myself, getting strong and detaching somewhat from H. Friendly, but nothing more. X-mas time comes around, and H starts showing up a bit more. He decides to stay X-mas Eve, again, to watch kids open gifts in morning. But this is the first X-mas he doesn't give me any gifts from him. He takes the kids shopping every year to buy for me. I am hurt but not really too surprised.

X-mas day the plan is to go to my parents new house (they moved the week before Thanksgiving). He seems to waffle about going, then decides to go. He's distant, a bit crabby and I don't particularly want to be around him. We get home close to midnight, he at that point tells me he's going to go.

At that point I had it. Told him next year he can make arrangements to have S9 and make his own dinner, or meal at the local Denny's for all I cared, but I refuse to have a 5th X-mas just like the last 4. I basically told him I was finished with his crap and all that he is doing to me and the boys. I never yelled, was very matter-of-fact and laid out some pretty ugly truths of what he's done and where his life is heading.

All he could do was hang his head and nod in agreement on ocassion. Since then, we have been back on the upswing. He started slowly spending more time with us, staying weekends, etc. About 2 weeks ago, he moved back in...I think.

He's mentioned it on ocassion, I don't say much, I've said it all before. Then one Sunday he showed up, I realized he was staying the night when I saw he'd taken his shoes off (yes, it's a guaranteed indicator ) and asked him about it. He said in a sheepish tone, yes he was going to stay. He said he would bring his stuff in the house in the am when he got ready for work.

The next morning he goes to work, I come downstairs to get S9 ready for school and find H's suitcase and duffel bag both in the living room. The duffel is what he seemed to live out of, the suitcase seemed a bit more permanent. HMMM. Later that day I went to the basement for something and found 2 large garbage bags with clothes, a garment bag stuffed with clothes and a paper grocery bag with jeans in it. Really big HMMMMM.

We still have not talked about his moving back. And he still has not unpacked. Again. Another cycle? Who knows. Will he stay this time? Only God can answer that one.

I still don't trust him. I still don't know what's up with OW. We are putting the house up for sale again. This time I'm moving no matter what. My parents are farther away, I will start a new school in the fall. I have really no reason to stay in this town. H will talk about it a bit if I bring it up, but not much.

I have plans to go abroad to see his family in July, he's decided to go with us. Now doesn't seem to want to talk about that either. The other day the comment was "not sure why you want to go that time of year?" Well, maybe because it's the only time we can all go, meaning me and both my boys?

I see him retreating again, but it doesn't seem as blatent this time. He doesn't seem to go from one extreme to the other. More like luke warm to cool. At this point, I really don't know what to do.

When do I get to start getting answers to all the questions I have? I'm not sure if he's ever going to be completely honest with me, and I'm not sure I can live the rest of my life with that mistrust. Is there some point in the MLC trail that they decide to come clean?

I will try to post more in the next week or so, I have finals coming up and some other obligations to take care of this weekend, but I would love some opinions, if anyone has any. I'll be back soon to fill in more blanks of the past months.

Thanks for reading this far!

JL

Life is not measured in the breaths we take, but in the moments that take our breath away...