Shouldn't I be happy how things are going?

[JustLearning]

Things haven't changed much since my last post. My H is still buried in his work, and I'm counting the days until I go back to school. S8 has started school, which helps both him and I. He was getting a bit bored, and I was starting to pull my hair out.

H was here tonight because of a thing we had at S8's school. He says he wants to come over tomorrow afternoon to talk. About what he didn't say. We got into a discussion tonight that shows us how far apart we are on many topics relating to my job as a mom.

The problems he says was he felt I didn't do enough around the house, even though I didn't have a "regular" job. And he still feels that way. Since I don't have a "regular" job that my job is to do housework every day like a regular job. And apparently the job that I do isn't enough. Not that he said that in those words. That is what I heard.

It comes down to the fact that my H moved out because of my supposed lack of ambition to do housework all day, every day. Now to explain about the state of my house at the moment: a couple of pair of shoes are lying on the floor in the living room, under an end table, also 2 PS2 games on the LR floor in front of the tv. A magazine and a stuffed animal on the couch. A few paid bills and school papers are spread on the computer desk. The kitchen table has a few school supplies needing to find a home, the same with the papers on the counter in the kitchen. That is basically the mess in my house. The bathrooms are in decent shape, the sinks & toilets are clean. And this man has nerve to take exception to my domestic skills?

Now in his defense, I have to say he was not knocking the way the house looks NOW, but in a general sense he feels I do not work enough around here. Especially since he works so hard at his own job. Am I suppose to work that hard here? If that were the case, we'd be living in a museum!

I sit here in tears because to me the whole thing is absurd. He leaves me because of my domestic skills? One thing he said was that back when S11 was born that we talked about me staying home for the first year. Well, I don't remember that conversation at all. Who knows, maybe we did start out talking about me going back to work after the first year.

I think it comes down to resentment on both sides. Me resenting him because he was doing so well in his career and I was just a "Mom" and feeling like I was demoted from partner to employee; and his resentment because I was not contributing equally to the partnership.

All of this starting because I made a comment about wanting to get quotes from a few companies for mowing my lawn. Mind you, he's not mowed our lawn in 3+ years, and he's been gone almost 3.

I feel as though tomorrow's talk is going to turn out to be a bomb of some kind. This is not something he typically does, especially during a work day. I want to suggest to him that we find a MC, but not sure that would help, or he'd even agree. I am wondering if this talk is going to be about him taking S8 on a regular basis, something he's never done up to this point. It scares me in a way because I see it as another step away from me. But I know S8 would be so excited and it would be good for him. He needs his dad. But it still concerns me.

I asked him if he had read the article I gave him last week. It was an article about emotional infidelity. He said he had but that he didn't see himself in it. I almost laughed in his face. Talk about denial. This man's head is so far up his a$$, he can't see sunlight.

So why am I still here? Why do I continue to allow myself to be hurt by him and his shallow, selfish tendencies? The only answer I can come up with is that I'm more afraid of the unknown of being completely on my own with 2 children, then what it is now with H paying the bills.

When will I see the light at the end of the tunnel (to heck with his light)? When will my life ever go back to some semblance of normal? Will I ever have someone to love me again?