Shouldn't I be happy how things are going?

[JustLearning]

Hi gd1, thank you so much for your wonderful post! I'm sorry it's taken me so long to respond. I have been in such a funk the last few weeks that I just haven't had the energy to post.

You said you read DR. I was wondering if you read DB and also Five Love Languages?

yes, I have read 5LL but not DB. I have read so many other books they swim in my head! I will look up the other books you suggested tho'. Thanks!

It could be that your H really did go into the MLC fog, did some pretty egregious things, but really wants to come back to the marriage.
It could be the opposite..he is just trying to get out of the marriage without being labeled 'the jerk' or going financially bankrupt.
And the sad thing is ...it is most often really hard to tell which one!

There are a lot of times when I think that both are true if that makes any sense. He seems so confused if we talk about our R, which is not often.

I have tried to learn about H's family of origin, but it is difficult because they are all dead now. And that is what is part of this problem. His brother (who was 13 yrs older) died when he was 21, H was only 8; then his dad died when H was 19; his sister died at age 44, in 1991 of a brain tumor (they were 11 yrs apart, but very very close); then his mom died in 1996. He's the only one left. He has some aunts and uncles and a few cousins, but most all live in another country or another state. I truly believe that he is dealing with his own MLC because of this. I also believe it started a long time ago, then got interrupted and now has come back.

Trying to learn more about his family of origin is hard. And I don't know how they interacted with one another. So it's like dealing with this in the dark. And that's how I feel a lot, that I'm wandering around in the dark not knowing what I'm going to find.

So then it comes down to change...both of you being willing to. Changing how you react to each other and changing the way you hold in resentments and changing the tone of your voice and the rate of speech...heck, there are lots of things to try! But only if both of you decided to give it a try, with all your hearts and minds.

This is what I would love to have, H to truly want to try. To make a commitment to me only and try to make this M into something wonderful. But he only seems to skim the edges. I look at him as keeping all of us at an arm's length away. Not letting anyone get too close. Not sure if he'll ever let his guard down around his heart. And it's not something I can do for him.

I still do not want a divorce and still have the idea that he needs to do the work if he wants one. Just don't know what goes on in his head.

Thanks again, gd, it does help to have another, objective opinion.

JL