Hi JL,

I really feel for you. Although I already knew about OW from H's itemised phone bill, I didn't know he was taking her along when he had his Sundays with the kids until of course S (then 4) spilled the beans. The white heat of that anger is something I will never ever forget. It's not just that they are betraying YOU it is that they think it is OK to hang out with OW and kids. OW is the evil bitch who is helping break up the happy home but they don't see it that way. Can I say cake-eater?

I am a little further along than you, my sitch is 2 years old. Bomb dropped April 03, H came back 2 months later, short lived honeymoon period and then back in the mire. Just grey, just not getting along great, him feeling like oh well I guess this is it then I have recommitted and I'm stuck here.

There have been brighter moments along the way and currently we are experiencing one of them. I just read Narcissism by Alexander Lowen. I know you have been given a lot of book suggestions but this is kind of a different way of looking at it. I didn't read this book to try and change my R but it has. My mother died last year and my brother has basically changed into a psycho since it happened and that's partly why I decided to read it. It talks about childhood stuff but it also gives us ways of releasing the anger and sadness and tension that have been suppressed for so long that we didn't even know they were there. It might even be that your mom let you cry it out when you were a baby to get you to sleep the night. Once you release those things YOU will change. Once you change you will change around him without even trying.

Quote:

So then it comes down to change...both of you being willing to. Changing how you react to each other and changing the way you hold in resentments and changing the tone of your voice and the rate of speech...heck, there are lots of things to try! But only if both of you decided to give it a try, with all your hearts and minds.




I would suggest Lowen's book to help you with this or another one of his - Bioenergetics.

Take care

Fran

if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs
Erica Jong