Hi JL, I understand how the pain comes in waves. Betrayal is an ugly thing. The long post that I had written and tried to post but then it just disappeared !!!!! was more about your feeling some days that you could forgive him and learn to trust again, and some days where you felt your love for him was dead. I wanted to tell you that love can come back, and quickly...it happened to me (and more imptly it happened to then H) back in l995. What it takes, at least for me, is learning to trust again. You can do that, but only if H wants to give up his lies and come clean and then work hard on restoring the trust he broke. It seems that there are way too many people who decide that the work isn't worth it. That running away and starting over fresh...where nobody knows your name (or what you did)is easier.
You said you read DR. I was wondering if you read DB and also Five Love Languages? Although it took me 2 years after the END of marriage to figure out what was going on during the 24 years OF my marriage..knowledge at any time is a pretty powerful thing.
It could be that your H really did go into the MLC fog, did some pretty egregious things, but really wants to come back to the marriage. It could be the opposite..he is just trying to get out of the marriage without being labeled 'the jerk' or going financially bankrupt. And the sad thing is ...it is most often really hard to tell which one! So, without knowing a lot about the history of your m, giving advice is not a good idea. But if you read DB and then decide that you really don't want a divorce IF you can get the dysfuntion out of your marriage, if you read DB and see that there is hope, then the best course is to find out as much as you can about 1.family of origin issues that might be messing with your and H's R. 2. figure out both of your love languages and in that talk your H wants to have...see if he can figure out his and yours and vv and then see if you can't both agree to try to love your lover using their love language. I think DB and filling those love tanks with premium octane gives you HOPE, that things can be better. Then you can apply all that knowledge that you gained about why you and he act and react the way you do. YOu need to figure out your coping skills..like does he survive by stuffing all his troubles and do you need to talk about and resolve issues or go crazy. Is he passive aggressive or are you? You each probably have different ways of coping with stress, conflict, anger etc...and you need to figure out why you do the things you do. (usually it is what you did in childhood...and tho it worked then, it doesn't often translate well into adulthood.
So then it comes down to change...both of you being willing to. Changing how you react to each other and changing the way you hold in resentments and changing the tone of your voice and the rate of speech...heck, there are lots of things to try! But only if both of you decided to give it a try, with all your hearts and minds.
Well, I can go on can't I? JL, it feels like you and your H can make it work...don't know why I think that, but I just feel that neither of you is the hard core running away kind. For the sake of your kiddies, I think you both need to commit to trying to get the trust back. The loving feelings will follow..I can almost guarantee that part.
BUt if not...if you've been so hurt that you just can't forgive, then please protect yourself financially.
Other books I'd recommend are EMotional Unavailability and Emotional Alchemy...good for trying to figure out where you might be coming from as well as where he is coming from.
The library probably has these books, if not the used books at Amazon.com is a good source.
Thanks for posting on my thread over in surviving. I am already feeling the lightening of the load with Saturn getting the frig out of dodge! I wrote 3 motions and delivered them yesterday, and have a letter to someone that might help re appeal to do and then another letter that I 've been meaning to write for over a year....but today is rest and clean the house day and get more water on the lawn day! Thanks for your lovely affirmation of my ability to get through the last 3 years...Yep, I even surprised myself on that one...I've always thought I was strong and tenacious, but boy there were days when it seemed hard even to breathe. I love to read and it was funny that my kid (who hadn't yet been bit by the reading bug) is who turned me onto Carl Hiassin...He is sooooofunny and wry. My first was Stormy Weather...and with all the hurricanes in Florida the last two years, it seemed quite appropriate. I have to get back to the library to get some more of his stuff...We both must share a similar sense of humor!
Will check back on ya sweetie, although I don't peruse the boards as much as I once did.
I wrote 3 motions and delivered them yesterday, and have a letter to someone that might help re appeal to do and then another letter that I 've been meaning to write for over a year....but today is rest and clean the house day and get more water on the lawn day! Thanks for your lovely affirmation of my ability to get through the last 3 years...Yep, I even surprised myself on that one...I've always thought I was strong and tenacious, but boy there were days when it seemed hard even to breathe. 
