Well, showed the house yesterday, and got a call today that they want to come look at it again tomorrow. So we'll see. The biggest question is what my H will do if they actually put in an offer. This is really bothering me about the house. With H being on the fence again/still, I don't know if it's a good idea. He's not said anything about taking it off the market, maybe it will come down to us splitting the profit and going our separate ways. Who knows. I think my brain goes on overdrive and his is still hiding.
We did a bit of talking last night. It seems to come back to that word "passion". He just doesn't seem to be able to find it for me. My question in my head is what does "passion" mean to him, what is it? And does it come back after being here for less than a week?
He's supposed to be sending me a note of things he's feeling but can't seem to say out loud. Of course, par for the course, I still don't have it. More predictability. His excuse will be work, again.
I've started thinking really seriously about what my life would be like for us to get a D. It scares the beejeebes out of me! The scariest part is the money part. I'm trying to finish school, haven't worked in about 5 years, and I'm feeling that terrible uncertainty about life. See, I've never had to take care of myself completely. Even with my first H, I had a full time job, but knew that my salary would not have been enough to pay for the basics. This panic feeling is what pushed me into going back to school. Now that I'm getting close to graduating with my Associate Degree, it scares me to actually look for a job in my field.
The lack of confidence of myself seems really strong right now. With H's rejection it just seems to magnify it. I'm supposed to have all these wonderful qualities, and yet my H doesn't seem to see them, or care. And yet, the life that I'm shown that he has seems so so lonely. I can't imagine living only for my job. That's where we are completely opposite.
Yet I know that some of this is that he is hiding in his job. He's allowing it to take over his life. I said something last night about maybe needing to go and see a counselor again. He agreed that maybe he did. Whether he does anything about it or not is anyone's guess.
Just feeling down tonight. Feeling restless and anxious. Need to get through these feelings, somehow.
Any suggestions?
Life is not measured in the breaths we take, but in the moments that take our breath away...
