Shouldn't I be happy how things are going?

[JustLearning]

I got back last night from going away to my girlfriends cabin with her. It was just the 2 of us and we had a blast! We did what WE wanted, with no worries, no children and no H's!

M H watched S8 over the weekend for me here at the house, and I made a bet with my GF whether he would find a reason to not hang around Sun night once we got back. Sure enough, he found one. Had a file to send to his client that was too big to send from my computer, he had to do it from the office computer. Whatever.

He made comment if it didn't take too long he'd come back, then he backed up a bit later, saying it would be more likely tomorrow (today) or Tue. I let him know I needed him to watch S8 on Tue night, so of course, no contact about tonight and a no show. He's getting so predictible it's actually getting funny. Not.

When I got home there was a birthday present wrapped sitting in the living room. S8 wants me to open it immediately. I do. It's an empty box. I look up and my H and S8 are grinning and pointing to a DVD/VCR player/recorder. The first thought was a sarcastic Yippee. It's nothing I asked for, but can't complain because I didn't give any specific ideas for gifts. But I'm not the gadget freak, H is. I told him later thanks for "our" gift, and wondered where his gift to me was. He gave me a funny look, like "you're kidding, after the money I spent on this thing?". Not a mean look, more surprised. I just laughed.

He hugged and kissed me several times before he left. And I just kept asking myself why? At one point I stopped in the kitchen while S8 was sitting at the dining room table (the other side of the room with H standing in the middle). I asked, looking at S8, so aren't you going to come and give me a hug? H thought I was talking to him and said, oh, yea, with a grin on his face. Came over and hugged me. As he got to me, I told him I actually wasn't talking to you. He kind of grunted, said "oh" but hugged me anyway. I think it took him by surprise.

He had told me that on Sat he took S8 to a pool party reception for a couple that was getting married. Some guy I was supposed to know from his old office. I'd never heard of him. But it was very apparent that he does have a social life without me. I've always said that he does not have any friends. No one he hangs around with. I guess I was wrong. This is the second time this has happened when I've gone away. He took S8 out on some guys pontoon boat, someone that he works with in the new office. This was at least a year ago. I don't hear him talk about any of these people, ever. Only when he feels he needs to tell me these things. Not really sure how I feel about this revelation. Glad he has friends, I guess. But the mistrust kicks in and I wonder if the alleged "friend" also goes. She works for the same company, still in the old office. I am trying to ignore the whole thing. Where would it get me if I got worked up about it? No where. And I can almost guarantee that he still wouldn't tell me what I need to know. And if he did I'm not sure I'd believe him anyway. So, I don't go there.

I've been at this so long, that I have realized that I've gotten really lonely. The whole rest of my life is doing pretty well. It's the romance part of my life that stinks. I've gotten lonely enough that I started browsing web personals. I'm not answering any of them, and I certainly haven't posted my own profile. I think it's just a look into what's out there. Curious I guess.

Who knows where this journey is going to take me, but I am feeling a bit stronger than I did last week. I have my C appt tomorrow night, which will help again. And I've just started Byron Katie's "Loving What Is". Wow, it's an amazing book and I haven't even finished Chapter 1! I'm going hunting for my highlighter so that I can easily refer to the wonderful statements she makes.

The feeling of "hurry up and make a decision" has subsided again, I guess because my H seems to be avoiding the subject yet again. It's been over a week since he sent me the e-mail about putting a stick in the stand (this week! which was actually last week) and make some kind of decision. He can't even be relied on to do what he says he's going to do! Sheesh!!

Anyway, back to the real world again. Running away for the weekend was very refreshing, we're going to try to do it again soon!

Another showing for the house tomorrow, so house cleaning and mowing grass has to be done tomorrow. H had to deal with cleaning the house for a showing on Sat. I didn't even ask about it. It will be interesting to see what H has to say when someone finally buys it. If it ever gets to that point.

Thanks for reading. And as always, any support, suggestions or words of wisdom are greatly appreciated!

JL