Shouldn't I be happy how things are going?

[JustLearning]

I decided to start a new post since my sitch has taken a bit of a turn. I just don't know how it's all going to play out.

last thread

Not sure if I got the link right, probably not. I haven't linked anything in a long time, so bear with me!

For those of you who don't know me, I've been here for almost 3 years. I don't post much because the sitch has been running on auto pilot for a long time.

This year has seen my H working at a snail's pace to reconnect with me and the kids. Then about April, H started my little comments about him thinking about coming home. Yeah!? Well, it's almost July, and he hasn't moved back in on a permanent basis. He will come and stay for a few days. Then he'll travel for work and end up back at his place for clothes (he says).

Remember I still do not know exactly where he is living. And at this point really don't care. I've kept from finding out for this long, why snoop now?

We have decided to put our house up for sale. I was the one to bring it up first. I want to live closer to the college I will be starting next year and closer to the area where my parents will be moving to once they sell their house. And if I'm going to move I want to do it now while the kids are still fairly young, S11 and S8. My S11 will start middle school in the fall, and want to make the transition of him from elementary school to middle school and the move all at once.

I will continue this later, I just got a call from the realtor to show my house NOW! Yikes! Gotta go make my bed and straigten up!

To be continued...

JL

[JustLearning]

Ok, that was an odd showing. Or should I say showings. While out of the house for the showing they originally called about, I was called and asked if the same realtor could go back to the house again. Sure! I am taking the assumption that it was for the same client. We'll see if anything comes of it.

Anyway, back to my story. I've started this new thread to try to put my thoughts in black and white, seeing if I can make sense of what's going on.

For quite some time I've pretty much had the "whatever" attitude with what my H does or doesn't do. It's acting as if, trying really hard to keep expectations at zero and a lot of therapy. But is there such a thing as having a H feel as though he's not needed?

I can take care of myself and the house and the children. I truly only need him for his money, which sounds horrible. That is the only thing that I have relied on since this all started, and he's never said a peep about it. I take care of all of it, his paycheck included.

He was here for most of the week last week, but I felt as though he wasn't truly into it. There is very little affection (which I am discovering that is one of my LL's - physical touch), almost seems to avoid me. When here in the evenings, he's got his nose in his computer playing a "Tycoon" game until all hours. Several nights I never even knew he came to bed until I woke the next morning!

I know it is a great start that he's even staying here and actually sleeping in the same bed as me (which he didn't do when he came back the first time, 4 months after he left. He left again after 2 months of he!!, and him sleeping on the couch the entire time). I am getting so incredibly tired of the snail's pace, it's driving me batty!!

I have to say it's actually easier when they aren't here. I just don't know what to do when he's here. I don't want to pursue, talking about this stuff seems to be off limits, it's like if he doesn't talk about it, it will all go away and life can move on. I have questions I need answers to. Not sure if I'll ever get them. And if I don't get them, I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to trust him fully again.

He knows I'm mistrusting, and yet doesn't seem too inclined to try to reassure me. The things he does is that he "does" more things. He does call a lot more often to tell me about what's going on at work. He actually took the trash out for me last week without being asked! It's those little things that help alot, and I've told him several times that I see the effort he is making.

But when I ask for a bit of verbal reassurance, more affection, he looks at me and says nothing. There are things that are very positive and yet I still feel so underwhelmed, like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.

My patience level has hit another low and need some feedback about what to do next, if anything. When do I become important again? When do I start feeling like I'm a priority again? Will it ever come back?

Thanks for reading this far. I've got to get to bed, I have a final tomorrow then I'm off for the summer! Yeah!

JL

[Phoenix_spark]

I think our spouses are using the same playbook. Luckily for me recently a co-worker who is a good friend, was the MLC in his R, has come to me and has given me hope and direction. Like yourself I am just looking for the big break, the big change. Last night we had a small R talk, first in awhile. It seem to have a good outcome. Learned what had been troubling her lately. Something I had done un-intentionaly. Looks like she accepted my apology.

My only words of wisdom is stay tough. That's my approach since I don't give up easy and am not one to walk away. What I keep asking myself is, "what needs to change"? Sitting idle is not my style, cause some change. Wishing you best of luck.

[JustLearning]

Phoenix,

Thanks for the words of encouragement. They mean alot. I never thought about it until you made mention of staying tough. I guess sticking around for almost 3 years is staying tough, although have not seen myself in that light. It really is amazing the recurring theme there is with these MLC'ers. How is it that we have gotten to be such a "throw-away" society. "Oh well, this wife/husband has gotten (fill in the blank), so I'll go out and find another one that can make me happy". To me, it seems that it has gotten to epidemic proportions. That's the part that makes me so sad, that so many of us have been put into this and so so many children are suffering needlessly because of it.

Anyway, things have been up and down for me the last few days. H has been gone basically since last week. Came home for one day, then was gone on another business trip. On that one day he was home, just as we were on our way to the race track I sort of got into it with him again. Not knowing where he's coming from, feeling that he's avoiding me, etc. I ended up leaving the house peeling rubber. By the time we got to the track, I felt a bit better. This last trip he's been unusually quiet. Got one e-mail from him on Mon. He did call while I was out yesterday, I returned the call. I didn't hear from him again until today. We actually had a decent conversation. For the first time in a long time he seemed completely sincere.

I say that because he didn't seem to shut down when we talked about where we are at in this sitch. He's feeling very overwhelmed at work, is actually concerned about his job. We talked about how I will never stand in his way of his career, nor will I ever nag (something I've never done) about it. Because I understand how important it is to him. He said he recognized that and seemed very appreciative about it. But it seems that he has to decide between his career or his family. Why can't there be a happy medium? He didn't say this, it's what I sense.

He has acknowledged that it is him that is having the trouble, that he has just worked for 3 years and now he can't seem to get out of the groove of working all the time and putting me first. I expressed how from my point of view, it seems he's avoiding doing things with us if it entails being around my family or friends. That I felt that he couldn't face them.

He didn't see it that way, but conceded that maybe that it is what he's doing subconsciously. He said he's recognizing that we need to do something to move forward. What scares me is that he didn't really say which way he was leaning. Moving forward with me or without me.

And maybe I have to take clues from the talk about this holiday weekend. He doesn't get the 4th off and said most likely will work most of Sat because he's been gone for most of the week. But he did say that maybe he would meet me at my aunt's house for the day. That's about a 3 hour drive, one way.

My dad's side of the family always get together at my aunt's house for the 3 holidays, Memorial, the 4th and Labor Day. It's about the only time I see them. Except me and my parents (who go very rarely nowadays) are the only ones that they see only on these holidays. My other aunt & uncle and a couple of cousins all live closer together, so they all get together on a regular basis with this out of town aunt. And I feel that it's only ever one-sided that I go see them. They don't come to see me, or even call for that matter. But I'm expected to show up this weekend. So, I'm feeling rebellious again. I didn't go on Memorial weekend, so am feeling guilty if I don't go this weekend. And this aunt is the only one I can't seem to tell how I feel about it, and I don't know why.

Anyway, my H suggested that I do go, spend time with my family and that he might come and visit for the day on Sun. If he actually goes thru with it, it will be a HUGE leap for him. He's avoided my family since this all started. He's avoided his family too, but most of his family still live in his home country, so it's easier for him to avoid them.

I feel as though I'm on the edge of a cliff looking down into the Grand Canyon. Not a bad feeling, just an edge-of-your-seat-how-is-this-going-to-turn-out sort of feeling. Anxious I guess is the word.

So, if he actually works some of this out in his head this weekend like he says he's going to, maybe by next week we will have a specific direction to go. But then again, he's waffled so long, I'm not sure if he really knows how to make a decision!

I keep telling myself I will be alright no matter what. But I don't kid myself into thinking that if he decides he can't stay with me, that it won't hurt. I'm continuing to live my own life, even tho' it's slowed down a bit since we are all all done with school now for the summer.

Oh well, another day will dawn and I will find the good things in it no matter what. I'm off to finish mowing grass, I got interrupted with a thunderstorm earlier, and I have someone coming to look at the house tomorrow. Better make it look pretty!

Any advice and or suggestions would be greatly appreciated! Thanks everyone for reading my novels!

[DownNotOut]

JL, Not much that I can really say here except to hang in there and follow your heart.

You know my sitch, so you know I'm kind of in the same boat---in a way. I too wonder if my H will ever feel anything for me again. Or, if he does, actually be able to show it. Sometimes he can't get away from me quick enough.

But I do feel like he is trying to reconnect.

I think it's about MLC men who are searching for something---they just can't figure out what. But that connection is still there with the old life too. They just have to decide which life they want to live.

Don't feel guilty about saying that you only need him for the money. You have been having to deal with things on your own for quite some time. Kind of makes us self-sufficient, doesn't it? I wouldn't even need my H's money if I wasn't raising his kids. I've been alone for 3 years.

The thing is, we may not need them to survive in this world---but we want them in our lives. We want a partner, a friend, a lover---not a wallet. The problem is, men seem to put the priority on how well they can support their family, not the familys needs themselves.

So, here we are---patiently waiting for them to realize everything that they are giving up. Patience does wear thin.

Stay Strong, DNO

[JustLearning]

So, here we are---patiently waiting for them to realize everything that they are giving up. Patience does wear thin.

Yes, DNO, it does wear very thin. So thin, that I think I busted through the patience again and vented. Not too bad this time, but made him know how I feel about being ignored, again.

2 weeks ago he was staying here every night for about 5-6 days. Then there were 2 business trips and now we are back to seeing him only on ocassion. Tonight was the first night we've seen him in a week and a half.

I know that my expectations get the better of me. My birthday was Monday. Me and S8 went to my aunts for the weekend with him saying he might try to come over for the day on Sun. A text on Sun am tells me he's not coming. He says he didn't know what he thought driving all that way and back for one day. Yes, I agree with that, I didn't know what he was thinking either. It's about a 3-4 hour drive one way. That was fine. Then he says he'll call me Mon morning. All I got was a text of him singing happy birthday to me. I came home later that day, as usual. Never heard from him until Tues afternoon, after I called to ask if he could watch S8 over the weekend. I'm going away with my best friend. It's something we have never done togehter so I'm really looking forward to it.

I know that I should see the positives. And I do, but I am having a hard time dealing with the half-hearted attempts to connect with me. I've been at this so long, I'm getting fed up.

I had to call my C to see her last night instead of today, I was so wound up. I just needed to cry. I had been on the verge of crying for 2 days.

H had sent an e-mail last week about putting a stake in the sand and making a move forward, whatever it is. I just have this dreadful feeling again. We went through this last year too while on vacation in FL. I just knew in my gut he was done, but here we are a year later. Things have been going so well, now he's pulled way back, yet again.

S8 and I met him for dinner tonight at his invitation, since he wasn't going to make it over tonight because of a race club meeting. He'll be over tomorrow night to take son out to shop for my birthday. Wonder if he'll get anything for me that's from him?

All I want is to feel some kind of emotional connection. I don't care how many days a week he's gone. I just want to know that when we do get together that he truly wants to be. I think the man has stuffed his emotions down so far, I'm not sure he even knows what they are anymore.

The other thing I thought was a negative was tonight when we were leaving the restaurant, S8 asked him again when we sell the house are you coming to live with us for good? This time my H chuckled a bit and said "we'll see". He has already told the boys that he was going to move with us, back when we were getting the house ready to sell. Now he's waffling. Again. Now I'm wondering if I need to take the house off the market?

This whole situation makes my head hurt, and my heart too. God this su$ks!!

Anybody got any words of wisdom? Something to make my head stop spinning? I've already gotten the duct tape out again to put over my mouth, I've said enough.

I did get some good news - my aunt is giving me her old laptop (which I'm guessing is only about 3 years old), the only stipulation is that we have to go spend Labor Day weekend with them! I think I can handle that! And my mom's Collie had her puppies last Friday. She had 10! 8 girls, 2 boys! Glad it was her and not me!!

Thanks everyone who reads.

JL

[JustLearning]

I got back last night from going away to my girlfriends cabin with her. It was just the 2 of us and we had a blast! We did what WE wanted, with no worries, no children and no H's!

M H watched S8 over the weekend for me here at the house, and I made a bet with my GF whether he would find a reason to not hang around Sun night once we got back. Sure enough, he found one. Had a file to send to his client that was too big to send from my computer, he had to do it from the office computer. Whatever.

He made comment if it didn't take too long he'd come back, then he backed up a bit later, saying it would be more likely tomorrow (today) or Tue. I let him know I needed him to watch S8 on Tue night, so of course, no contact about tonight and a no show. He's getting so predictible it's actually getting funny. Not.

When I got home there was a birthday present wrapped sitting in the living room. S8 wants me to open it immediately. I do. It's an empty box. I look up and my H and S8 are grinning and pointing to a DVD/VCR player/recorder. The first thought was a sarcastic Yippee. It's nothing I asked for, but can't complain because I didn't give any specific ideas for gifts. But I'm not the gadget freak, H is. I told him later thanks for "our" gift, and wondered where his gift to me was. He gave me a funny look, like "you're kidding, after the money I spent on this thing?". Not a mean look, more surprised. I just laughed.

He hugged and kissed me several times before he left. And I just kept asking myself why? At one point I stopped in the kitchen while S8 was sitting at the dining room table (the other side of the room with H standing in the middle). I asked, looking at S8, so aren't you going to come and give me a hug? H thought I was talking to him and said, oh, yea, with a grin on his face. Came over and hugged me. As he got to me, I told him I actually wasn't talking to you. He kind of grunted, said "oh" but hugged me anyway. I think it took him by surprise.

He had told me that on Sat he took S8 to a pool party reception for a couple that was getting married. Some guy I was supposed to know from his old office. I'd never heard of him. But it was very apparent that he does have a social life without me. I've always said that he does not have any friends. No one he hangs around with. I guess I was wrong. This is the second time this has happened when I've gone away. He took S8 out on some guys pontoon boat, someone that he works with in the new office. This was at least a year ago. I don't hear him talk about any of these people, ever. Only when he feels he needs to tell me these things. Not really sure how I feel about this revelation. Glad he has friends, I guess. But the mistrust kicks in and I wonder if the alleged "friend" also goes. She works for the same company, still in the old office. I am trying to ignore the whole thing. Where would it get me if I got worked up about it? No where. And I can almost guarantee that he still wouldn't tell me what I need to know. And if he did I'm not sure I'd believe him anyway. So, I don't go there.

I've been at this so long, that I have realized that I've gotten really lonely. The whole rest of my life is doing pretty well. It's the romance part of my life that stinks. I've gotten lonely enough that I started browsing web personals. I'm not answering any of them, and I certainly haven't posted my own profile. I think it's just a look into what's out there. Curious I guess.

Who knows where this journey is going to take me, but I am feeling a bit stronger than I did last week. I have my C appt tomorrow night, which will help again. And I've just started Byron Katie's "Loving What Is". Wow, it's an amazing book and I haven't even finished Chapter 1! I'm going hunting for my highlighter so that I can easily refer to the wonderful statements she makes.

The feeling of "hurry up and make a decision" has subsided again, I guess because my H seems to be avoiding the subject yet again. It's been over a week since he sent me the e-mail about putting a stick in the stand (this week! which was actually last week) and make some kind of decision. He can't even be relied on to do what he says he's going to do! Sheesh!!

Anyway, back to the real world again. Running away for the weekend was very refreshing, we're going to try to do it again soon!

Another showing for the house tomorrow, so house cleaning and mowing grass has to be done tomorrow. H had to deal with cleaning the house for a showing on Sat. I didn't even ask about it. It will be interesting to see what H has to say when someone finally buys it. If it ever gets to that point.

Thanks for reading. And as always, any support, suggestions or words of wisdom are greatly appreciated!

JL

[JustLearning]

Well, showed the house yesterday, and got a call today that they want to come look at it again tomorrow. So we'll see. The biggest question is what my H will do if they actually put in an offer. This is really bothering me about the house. With H being on the fence again/still, I don't know if it's a good idea. He's not said anything about taking it off the market, maybe it will come down to us splitting the profit and going our separate ways. Who knows. I think my brain goes on overdrive and his is still hiding.

We did a bit of talking last night. It seems to come back to that word "passion". He just doesn't seem to be able to find it for me. My question in my head is what does "passion" mean to him, what is it? And does it come back after being here for less than a week?

He's supposed to be sending me a note of things he's feeling but can't seem to say out loud. Of course, par for the course, I still don't have it. More predictability. His excuse will be work, again.

I've started thinking really seriously about what my life would be like for us to get a D. It scares the beejeebes out of me! The scariest part is the money part. I'm trying to finish school, haven't worked in about 5 years, and I'm feeling that terrible uncertainty about life. See, I've never had to take care of myself completely. Even with my first H, I had a full time job, but knew that my salary would not have been enough to pay for the basics. This panic feeling is what pushed me into going back to school. Now that I'm getting close to graduating with my Associate Degree, it scares me to actually look for a job in my field.

The lack of confidence of myself seems really strong right now. With H's rejection it just seems to magnify it. I'm supposed to have all these wonderful qualities, and yet my H doesn't seem to see them, or care. And yet, the life that I'm shown that he has seems so so lonely. I can't imagine living only for my job. That's where we are completely opposite.

Yet I know that some of this is that he is hiding in his job. He's allowing it to take over his life. I said something last night about maybe needing to go and see a counselor again. He agreed that maybe he did. Whether he does anything about it or not is anyone's guess.

Just feeling down tonight. Feeling restless and anxious. Need to get through these feelings, somehow.

Any suggestions?

[calder]

Hi JL,
Can I say thast I totally understand your loss of confidence with H's rejection.. I had same.. H no love or sexual interest in me, discard me just like that.. in hours,.. after 33 yrs married!
I had a bit of a makeover with a great friend..charity shop clothes,new makeup.. new hair cut from friend.... nothing wild but for once I really got a style that suits me,for me!
You need to accept it as your H problem this lack of passion not yours! He has a major workaholic ethos and addiction it feels like.A substitute for security and relaxed affection, from his damaged background.
He knows his way round work.. feels safe and secure, can achieve perhaps so trusts it, like no human at present.
You need to try to get more in control with your emotions so they do not limit your life.
You are going through what I am too.. a major bereavement.. the loss of your marriage,your hopes,future and dreams.Your loss of feeling H loves You.The intimacy.The loss of the good bit of him.
I kept pretty active.. but found that Paul Mckenna's book helped me.. "How
to mend your broken heart." Ask me if you want to know more.
You have the extra difficulty that your H is around and cramping your style.. also reminding and hurting you.

Desperation is no bad thing.. it drove me too! To get a new tribunal job.. I got it and now have new options in my life!
Go for a new career,try to forget H's needs and only concentrate on yours for a wee bit.
Get your career plan and applications on line, for finishing your course.
I bet that new job when it comes will open up a whole new world for you.. so go out and grab it.
Just let your H see that.. go for you and get your life sorted.. not his.. He is responsible as you say for that! So leave him be.. standing on the sidelines while you make the play for your own good life and future..
Alone if need be! Face that.. He may not ever come back for good.. accept that and move on in that understanding, and he will sense it.. your detachment..

It may scare the pants off him.. but you go girl.. get your future for you.. He can tag along and apply to join if he wants.. He has been leaving you tagging for long enough.. do full 180.. let him choose whether to tag or not!
It won't make much difference as he will either come back if he is meant to.. or not but at least you will have a good time.
Out with as many friends as you can.. ask for folk to go out to cinema,meals etc and H too if he wants ,but don't wait to be asked!!

Take care, Hugs calder xx

[JustLearning]

Thanks Calder, I really do appreciate your words, they are spot on! As I'm sure you know, the words make perfect sense, but executing it is completely different! I will keep trying to detaching myself from his drama.

This morning I got a call from my realtor. She has an offer on the house! Except, after I hung up, I felt panic. All of a sudden I wasn't too sure that I wanted to sell the house. I now see it as the begiining of our final separation. It scares the heck out of me.

I called H and he said we need to wait until Monday to give them an answer because he was leaving for a weekend away, and is incredibly stressed at work. I knew that is what he would say, and to be honest, I agreed. The realtor wasn't thrilled but I told her that was the best we could do under the circumstances. But I did freak a bit on the phone with him this morning. I couldn't contain it. I'm so scared of the unknown and what is going to happen. He told me that I don't let him say anything and what he does say, I blow it out of proportion. That I go from one extreme to another. I didn't try to defend myself, but did apologize for making him feel that way about me. We did agree that we communicate differently (duh!). I did tell him how I felt about him pulling away. He tells me I do this all the time, I told him that if I knew what was going on with him I wouldn't end up thinking in the extremes. It's a vicious cycle. I know I've got to stop that cycle. I feel as though I'm watching reruns over and over and over again. This pull away he does, and I think the absolute worst and dump it on him. Back to my own life and leaving him to his own drama. I can't wait until I go back to school so that I have something to distract me.

And as of tonight, I still have not gotten his note about his feelings. The one he's been telling me about since Tuesday. Still not here. It's driving me nuts. I wish he would have just not said anything about it, then just sent it when he got it done. This has also happened before.

Just because there are only reruns on tv right now for the summer, does he think it's ok to rerun this crappy love life?

My PMA is in the toilet at the moment and am struggling with the reasons for moving again. I'm just not sure it's a good idea now. UUGGHH!! Hopefully I can start thinking a bit straigher this weekend and get my head on right on decide what is the best thing for me and the boys.

Sorry if this seems all over the place, unfortunately that's how my brain is at the moment!

How do I detach myself emotionally from all of this??