Thanks for the words of encouragement. They mean alot. I never thought about it until you made mention of staying tough. I guess sticking around for almost 3 years is staying tough, although have not seen myself in that light. It really is amazing the recurring theme there is with these MLC'ers. How is it that we have gotten to be such a "throw-away" society. "Oh well, this wife/husband has gotten (fill in the blank), so I'll go out and find another one that can make me happy". To me, it seems that it has gotten to epidemic proportions. That's the part that makes me so sad, that so many of us have been put into this and so so many children are suffering needlessly because of it.
Anyway, things have been up and down for me the last few days. H has been gone basically since last week. Came home for one day, then was gone on another business trip. On that one day he was home, just as we were on our way to the race track I sort of got into it with him again. Not knowing where he's coming from, feeling that he's avoiding me, etc. I ended up leaving the house peeling rubber. By the time we got to the track, I felt a bit better. This last trip he's been unusually quiet. Got one e-mail from him on Mon. He did call while I was out yesterday, I returned the call. I didn't hear from him again until today. We actually had a decent conversation. For the first time in a long time he seemed completely sincere.
I say that because he didn't seem to shut down when we talked about where we are at in this sitch. He's feeling very overwhelmed at work, is actually concerned about his job. We talked about how I will never stand in his way of his career, nor will I ever nag (something I've never done) about it. Because I understand how important it is to him. He said he recognized that and seemed very appreciative about it. But it seems that he has to decide between his career or his family. Why can't there be a happy medium? He didn't say this, it's what I sense.
He has acknowledged that it is him that is having the trouble, that he has just worked for 3 years and now he can't seem to get out of the groove of working all the time and putting me first. I expressed how from my point of view, it seems he's avoiding doing things with us if it entails being around my family or friends. That I felt that he couldn't face them.
He didn't see it that way, but conceded that maybe that it is what he's doing subconsciously. He said he's recognizing that we need to do something to move forward. What scares me is that he didn't really say which way he was leaning. Moving forward with me or without me.
And maybe I have to take clues from the talk about this holiday weekend. He doesn't get the 4th off and said most likely will work most of Sat because he's been gone for most of the week. But he did say that maybe he would meet me at my aunt's house for the day. That's about a 3 hour drive, one way.
My dad's side of the family always get together at my aunt's house for the 3 holidays, Memorial, the 4th and Labor Day. It's about the only time I see them. Except me and my parents (who go very rarely nowadays) are the only ones that they see only on these holidays. My other aunt & uncle and a couple of cousins all live closer together, so they all get together on a regular basis with this out of town aunt. And I feel that it's only ever one-sided that I go see them. They don't come to see me, or even call for that matter. But I'm expected to show up this weekend. So, I'm feeling rebellious again. I didn't go on Memorial weekend, so am feeling guilty if I don't go this weekend. And this aunt is the only one I can't seem to tell how I feel about it, and I don't know why.
Anyway, my H suggested that I do go, spend time with my family and that he might come and visit for the day on Sun. If he actually goes thru with it, it will be a HUGE leap for him. He's avoided my family since this all started. He's avoided his family too, but most of his family still live in his home country, so it's easier for him to avoid them.
I feel as though I'm on the edge of a cliff looking down into the Grand Canyon. Not a bad feeling, just an edge-of-your-seat-how-is-this-going-to-turn-out sort of feeling. Anxious I guess is the word.
So, if he actually works some of this out in his head this weekend like he says he's going to, maybe by next week we will have a specific direction to go. But then again, he's waffled so long, I'm not sure if he really knows how to make a decision!
I keep telling myself I will be alright no matter what. But I don't kid myself into thinking that if he decides he can't stay with me, that it won't hurt. I'm continuing to live my own life, even tho' it's slowed down a bit since we are all all done with school now for the summer.
Oh well, another day will dawn and I will find the good things in it no matter what. I'm off to finish mowing grass, I got interrupted with a thunderstorm earlier, and I have someone coming to look at the house tomorrow. Better make it look pretty!
Any advice and or suggestions would be greatly appreciated! Thanks everyone for reading my novels!
Life is not measured in the breaths we take, but in the moments that take our breath away...
