Boy, I wish I knew. Funny, but my ex-W didn't ever seem to come right out and say..."this is/are the reasons I need/want to divorce you". It was always.."you know the reasons". Here are my thoughts on the reasons as I perceive them.
1) I was too critical of her kids and my kids were to hard on hers also
2) "You are too angry."
Basically my divorce comes down to the difficulty in trying to blend two families and not spending the time coming to grips with the difficulties of that.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Jo, My W gave the reason "I love you, but I'm no in love with you" Which is simply a bogus statement that many use for a reason, in reality they have no idea what they are doing.
My W threatened D several times then finally went through with it. XW has an empty feeling and a feeling of worthlessness, in reality these feelings stem from her being raped repeatedly and living in a dysfunctional sercetive family.
I have done alot of research on the subject of incest and rape. If we would have known to get help in the beginning years of our marriage, I believe we would be survivors happily married. I had no idea until the last few yrs what the extent of her trauma and how it has impacted every aspect of our lifes. It is pure living hell!!!
XW of course still loves, but is still not in love with me. She is not happier since the D, she is actually getting more depressed and has had much more anxiety than when we were married. She believes that her past has nothing to do with how she thinks or feels today. I know that as far as DBing is concerned the "past is the past", therefore rehashing doesn't help.
The research I have done tells me that unless the victim and their partners get appropriate C, their marriage is doomed. My XW follows many of the patterns that are fairly predictable for a victim of such abuse.
I think lack of communicate and lack of knowledge of how to deal with problems lead to gradual erosion of the M. In most cases we don't realise how big the problem is until its to late. I think W and I still love each other very much. I hurt her many times by not understanding how to deal with her abusive childhood, I didn't show her enough attention and if I raised my voice at any time I reminded her of her abusive father.
Our marriage failed because of my lack of understanding of XW's past and how to deal with this type of person. I also believe that the "no fault" D system in the U.S. enables the WAS to think the grass greener on the outside, divorce lawyers encourage them to start the process now, (the lawyers know that if they don't start the ball rolling today they may never see the WAS again and therefore lose money)
This may sound like I am a "Christian Fundamentalist", but our society is becoming less concerned about God's word. Now days the "if it feels good go ahead and do it type of attitude" is very strong. XW is not concerned about any longterm affects the D has on the kids, she say kids will be just as happy and well rounded as if there was no D. She says life is too short to be unhappy in a marriage, but six months later she is a complete basket case.
D is just way too easy to obtain, it is easier than going to C and having to face reality and work on problems. In fact D is widely accepted, maybe even more accepted than a couple that has to go to MC for a long period of time.
What would it hurt if C for 6 months to a year was mandatory before receiving a "no-fault" D?
What if having an affair was still "taboo" or what if it was made illegal? I am not saying stone someone to death, but a least do something that would give the upper hand to the innocent spouse in a D proceeding.
My children and many others are paying the price of one of their parents being selfish. My XW puts her wishes, her lust and her well being above the children.
Quote: She says life is too short to be unhappy in a marriage,
Now I know all they all work from the same WAS handbook.
Here's a crazy idea, if you are unhappy, how about letting the LBS know and working on the M, instead of spending thousands of dollars neither party likely has to obtain something only one person thinks they want?
Initially : You are weird, your momma is weird, your sister is weird, your cousins are weird, you friends are weird. I love you like a brother or a mother, not like a wife. You are nice, but that does not mean that I want to be married to you. I was lonely. You were not a comfort to me.
One year later: It is nobody's fault. Stuff happens.
Two years later: "I have changed." "You have been good for me in many ways, but......". "I dont know how to make it happen."
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
My STBX wants a divorce because he said I cannot follow his sportive activities. He said he learned nothing from me. He works in Paris and sees beautiful and sexy girls, he also blamed me for lousy dressing and I no longer sexually arouse him, he said he liked to change, he doesn't want to feel obliged to stay in the same bed as me. He also add : not in love, grow apart, should have gone much earlier if not for kids, not happy and also blame me as a LAZY house wife bringing nothing to the family, as a financial vampire...
My version : I am starting to grow old and I had breast surgeries, I dress not lousy but casual as I am living in the country side, I contribute nothing in monetary terms but I never over spent, I raise my children 90% of the time on my own as he travels most of the time. My children do very well at school and grow up healthily, I keep a nice house and I do all the housework, tend a garden and keep the animals. I don't work it's not because I am lazy, it's because there is no jobs in such a remoted place.
my last thread : Lost in his MLC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=957116&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
H's Reasons: He didnt feel my Love (as opposed to all the others I suppose) We arent a good "match" I didnt cook or clean enough It just wont work I was too nasty (when I found out about OW I guess) He has no will to make a marriage work He prays he will find real love one day
But these are all the "excuses" given by the WASs - not the real reasons.
The real reasons? After 3 years on this board, I am convinced that 95% of the time, the WAS is suffering from untreated depression or severe midlife crisis (fear of aging or death and dying). The dopamine "high" of infatuation, new experiences, buying things, etc. contributes to the behaviors of affairs, reckless spending, taking up new activities, etc. And dopamine temporarily relieves their depression, so they think they're "in love". When that high wears off, of course, they are in even worse shape than before, because they thought all these external things would make them happy, but they couldn't outrun the fact that the unhappiness was within themselves and goes with them.
Are there marriage problems that increase this risk? Sure - decreased sex, women too preoccupied with the kids and not paying enough attention to their H, H's too preoccupied with work and not paying enough attentions to their Ws, financial worries, work worries, death in the family, child or spouse with chronic illness or life-threatening illness.
But in the long haul, I'd say that most of the people I've seen here, while they had issues they could work on in the marriage, had marriages that were no better or worse than most before the bomb dropped. Therefore, I'd say it most often has to do with untreated depression and the fallout from the depressed person's pursuit of something (someone) to make them feel better.
When the bomb dropped ex stated: 1. Would be better for our s (we would qualify for state aid!) 2. Single guys just have more fun!
When he filed he stated: 1. I had abandoned him (it was his proposal that I moved out of state, but ok, guilty as charged!) 2. financial problems (medical expenses on our s)
While div proceedings were going on, but we were getting along: 1. I had stated that I would div him! (he mixed up that i would give him the div but that i didn't want it) 2. I wasn't happy enough.
D day: 1. He could never trust me again! (and he had a PA and an EA over the 6 years!) 2. He wanted me to be happy! (ok, div makes me happy!) 3. He didn't know what his feelings were for me. 4. Money issues
I don't know if this has changed now, since I don't plan on asking. He did ask me why we got div a couple months ago. I said I thought it was because of the money problem, he says well div made that worse. (duh!) T
