Jo, My W gave the reason "I love you, but I'm no in love with you" Which is simply a bogus statement that many use for a reason, in reality they have no idea what they are doing.
My W threatened D several times then finally went through with it. XW has an empty feeling and a feeling of worthlessness, in reality these feelings stem from her being raped repeatedly and living in a dysfunctional sercetive family.
I have done alot of research on the subject of incest and rape. If we would have known to get help in the beginning years of our marriage, I believe we would be survivors happily married. I had no idea until the last few yrs what the extent of her trauma and how it has impacted every aspect of our lifes. It is pure living hell!!!
XW of course still loves, but is still not in love with me. She is not happier since the D, she is actually getting more depressed and has had much more anxiety than when we were married. She believes that her past has nothing to do with how she thinks or feels today. I know that as far as DBing is concerned the "past is the past", therefore rehashing doesn't help.
The research I have done tells me that unless the victim and their partners get appropriate C, their marriage is doomed. My XW follows many of the patterns that are fairly predictable for a victim of such abuse.
I think lack of communicate and lack of knowledge of how to deal with problems lead to gradual erosion of the M. In most cases we don't realise how big the problem is until its to late. I think W and I still love each other very much. I hurt her many times by not understanding how to deal with her abusive childhood, I didn't show her enough attention and if I raised my voice at any time I reminded her of her abusive father.
Our marriage failed because of my lack of understanding of XW's past and how to deal with this type of person. I also believe that the "no fault" D system in the U.S. enables the WAS to think the grass greener on the outside, divorce lawyers encourage them to start the process now, (the lawyers know that if they don't start the ball rolling today they may never see the WAS again and therefore lose money)
This may sound like I am a "Christian Fundamentalist", but our society is becoming less concerned about God's word. Now days the "if it feels good go ahead and do it type of attitude" is very strong. XW is not concerned about any longterm affects the D has on the kids, she say kids will be just as happy and well rounded as if there was no D. She says life is too short to be unhappy in a marriage, but six months later she is a complete basket case.
D is just way too easy to obtain, it is easier than going to C and having to face reality and work on problems. In fact D is widely accepted, maybe even more accepted than a couple that has to go to MC for a long period of time.
What would it hurt if C for 6 months to a year was mandatory before receiving a "no-fault" D?
What if having an affair was still "taboo" or what if it was made illegal? I am not saying stone someone to death, but a least do something that would give the upper hand to the innocent spouse in a D proceeding.
My children and many others are paying the price of one of their parents being selfish. My XW puts her wishes, her lust and her well being above the children.
