Still Yoyo-ing About.....

[anna123]

Yoyo! I missed you!

Sounds like you are really dealing with this well... taking his words to heart and using them constructively. I love that you have a mentor. I envy that.

Ignore what your family is telling you, if that's what you want. If you want your M, keep working on this. It's understandable...they hate to see you hurting.

Even if you don't want your marriage, keep working on this. You'll want a civil R with the father of your children, and let's face it, DBing is all about working on yourself anyway.

Speaking of which, how's the tattoo? Still itching, or are you past that stage yet?

[hellkat]

but so many ppl have been telling me to dump him, dump him...I've been thinking about the whole sitch alot (to the extent that I've been woken up from deep sleep) and wondering if I am doing the right thing.

Yo-Yo, only you can decide what you want to do, to even try to give up before your ready is almost an after thought. You know better then anyone

[KimDownUnder]

Hey Yoyo - Welcome back. Just when I thought you were going one way you do what we all do and come back the other way. Oh well we all do it. Hopefully your insight into yourself will help with H. You know the knowing when to put a sock in it. I think we could all do with some of that every now and then but it is hard as they push our bad buttons and our good ones (lol) sounds like you are doing well though which I am glad to hear with me I will see over the next few days as H has been away with S and comes back today. It will be interesting to see how he speaks to me when he gets back. It is all a big waiting game isn't it. Goodluck yoyo and I will speak soon. Kim

[NYsurvivor]

but so many ppl have been telling me to dump him, dump him...

Just wanted to comment on that. Friends and family see the hurt, and that's their typical response for what ails you, but they're not walking in your shoes, and it's not their life. They're also motivated from going through their own ache at seeing you hurt, and want it to be over with. So they all follow this same script taken from a one page treatise titled, "What To Advise Your Friend Or Relative To Do About Their WAS Sitch". People who follow that advice all end up with the same outcome. However, DR takes about 300 pages or so to spell out what to do, and people who take that advice end up with different types of outcomes.

[yoyogirl]

Thanks everyone!!

I know what I want to do, i.e. which is to adhere to the DBing Principles. I hear so many ppl telling me to dump him - I am ignoring them; BUT I think that being human, I sometimes need to hear from ppl that I am in-fact doing the right thing of sticking it out. Just some reassurances. BUT I am lucky in the sense that those ppl that ask me to dump him are normally ppl that I would not REALLY listen to. My key advisers (mentor, my boss, my mom) all are very supportive in my decision and have repeated assured me that I am doing the right thing in perservering.

Journalling...
H just called me a while ago...told me that he had made a dental appointment for H for the 3rd of September...(I know..long time...but his cousin is quite a popular dentist. Plus he says that my son's "alien" tooth needs to grow out a little more first before a grip can be made on the tooth) and H mentioned that WE can drive there the night before for S8's dental appt at 9 am. (Mmmmm..not analyzing..but i guessed whatever happens, WE are still the boys' parents!!)

As for his interview...H mentioned that the company would be sending him a "letter of offer" on Wednesday but he doesn't know the offer yet... We'll see...

Oh..one thing that I failed to mention...H and I had a meal together at home last Thursday... and H asked whether if it crossed my mind that if he leaves, he would crawl back to me. I have to admit to him that it did cross my mind.

And yesterday, while we were ML; stupid H actually commented that "You may think that I consistently have sex with OW, but I don't". Hello??? This was when we were actually WHILE doing it. I said "This is not the right time to tell your wife this, isn't it? So, shut up!". GOSH... is brain is certainly MUSHED!!!

[Ohio_DB]

So, I really have to zip my lips and throw away the key...Oh...H said that OW is not pressuring him to leave his family. (mmmmm... Anybody has any experience about this? Will OW eventually pressure? Or are they contented to be the OW for a long long time?? Any responses anyone??)

This is typical OM/OW behavior. It's a narcissist trait. Think about it. This is the most zero pressure statement OM/OW can make. ‘It’s your decision’. Draws WAH/WAW closer in, making them think that LBS is pressuring them while OM/OW is leading them to believe that WAH/WAW is making the decision. I’d recommend ZERO pressure here. That is what they are getting from OM/OW.

[yoyogirl]

Ohio - Thanks for the feedback. I know that giving ZERO pressure and not saying things about the R is part of the DBING principles. But sometimes I feel that by doing those things, I am not doing anything. It feels really weird..like I am in a twilight zone void. The whole DBing idea is very opposite of normal human reaction, and that is why the weird feelings arising when I am trying to adhere to DBing ways, i.e. not doing anything, not saying anything about the R. I sound that I am babbling, but can't really seem to be able to put these things in words. GOSH... Wished I was nearer to you guys, and at least I can reach out to you all and give you a BIG Hug...you guys who are DBing for your WAWs...

I really have to adhere to my zipping of the lips business and throwing away the key...

[SophieL]

((((YoYo)))))

The whole DBing idea is very opposite of normal human reaction, and that is why the weird feelings arising when I am trying to adhere to DBing ways, i.e. not doing anything, not saying anything about the R

I know what you mean. I feel like I am out of my comfort zone, in unfamiliar territory with a vague map looking for a fabled land that no one has seen.

Hang in there

[yoyogirl]

Hi! I know that I need to GAL and PMA. That part, I am sure that I need to do. What I am unsure of is:
- Is living day-to-day (happily, not sulking) part of DBing?
- Is taking things as "normal" part of DBing?
- Is not mentioning about H leaving, part of DBing?
- Is waiting (quietly, not voiced out to H) for H to choose either the family or OW, part of DBing?

My H is still living at home. Coming home every night (except when he says he needs to go out-of-state). I still get ready his vitamins and such. We still ML. We still talk. We still do things with the kids. BUT...the BIG BUT is that he says he wants to leave home to think what he wants to do, who he wants to be with at the end of the day (Family or OW). Basically, he wants to separate for awhile. The reason that he is holding back is that I said that the kids would know about it, and it would mean the end... So, he is looking for an overseas job to be ALONE. I am not too sure if I am still DBing, or if DBing would work with him thousands of miles away...

Any input from anyone??

[SophieL]

Hi, it's me again.

I am not sure that I am the best person to comment but I am going to give it a try. At the very least, you will be able to say, 'heck no, at least I know what is not a good answer'.

Is living day-to-day (happily, not sulking) part of DBing?

I think the answer is yes. Definitely the overall aim is to achieve a happier life. And, what is the point of sulking? Can you imagine if we had to live with someone who was constantly sulking, no matter what we've done? I would go ballistic. I mean, no matter what I've done, I would find it hard to feel guilty or bad all the time about what I've done in the face of constant sulking.
Plus, the one sulking ends up feeling horrible about themselves and precious time is wasted. Time that could be used doing something nice, fun, good. Who knows what lies around the corner? I've come to believe that every moment should be lived to its fullest. (if only my actions could mirror my beliefs, but that's a different point. This is about you, Yoyo lady! )

Is not mentioning about H leaving, part of DBing

Again I think, yes, if you have decided that you want to be married to H and that you are DBing to save your M, then, strongly recommend: do not mention H leaving, why put ideas in his head. Saying that comes to mind, 'let sleeping dogs lie'. If he wants to leave, let it be his decision. This is a confusing time for the WAS, why add to the pressure?

Is waiting (quietly, not voiced out to H) for H to choose either the family or OW, part of DBing

I think, here, i've seen different people choose differently here. Maybe a re-read of the chapter on infidelity in the DR would shed some light here.

I am going to be on the board on and off most of the day, so if you want really bad advice, give me a shout.

Take care, one day at a time and it will get better.

((((Hugs)))) and wishes for strength.