For a time, I was unsure as to what is a reasonable expectation of a married couple with kids. Our SSM began before we had children, but it took a couple years before I realized, DUH, this is not about being "busy" or being "tired"--he's avoiding me! It was such a shock to my system. Women are constantly bombarded with the message that men are horny devils so it took a while to process my alternative reality.
Anyway, the thing that really cemented my desire for change was a book called "Outlander" by Diana Gabaldon. This is the first of a series of books that follows a husband-wife team throughout their lives. I was so struck by the amount of sex and affection present in their marriage. I began thinking, I want that!, and questioning whether it was normal or desirable to have a hot relationship go belly up and sit back and say, Wellllll that's what happens in long term R's. It really helped me shape and solidify the swirling thoughts in my head, as I dissected my life as it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be. It was such a mind screw to realize the HDW/LDH situation I found myself in. This book gave me a blueprint or a way to think so that I could envision a future of affection and sex with my husband--even though we were not in our 20's and had children.
I read a lot of LD women writing, All the messages we see are that sex is everywhere and we feel left out of that.
I agree and disagree with this. There are an awful lot of sexsexsex messages out there, but they are almost exclusively (99.99%??) young people with no attachments. You rarely see, portrayed in any media, a happily married couple with kids who are gettin it on all the time. Is this because there AREN'T any (doubt it) or is the fact that there aren't many couples like this due to the bombardment of info that says that sex disappears once you are married?
I would like to see more exposure of the married-with-kids-and-still-having-sex kind. And empty-nester-sex. And geriatric-sex. Etc.
This was a particularly hard idea to get out of H's head--that it was normal for people to "outgrow" sex.
