I received a letter from her attorney this afternoon. It is a copy of a request for Pendente Lite hearing. From what I can determine, she is requesting that I be kicked from the home I've been paying on for the last 12 years. She says that my presence causes her great stress.
It now appears to me that there is no way to reconcile this M I've tried the best I could to DB us back into a satisfying R but to no avail. I know I've said it before and then renewed my DB'ing efforts, but this time it looks like I'm done.
She says she is afraid I'll discuss this with the kids - how does she plan on explaining to them when the sheriff deputy comes to the house to remove me?
I'll calm down tomorrow and continue to work on GAL. At least now I know what to do for our anniversary - see my attorney.
AV8R Presence causes stress. It's an Alabama thing. I'm leaving cause STBX states I raise her BP 30 points. Self inflicted or not I moved to Al to keep her alive and ain't gonna defeat that purpose.
Houses I lost 4 of them. Everytime it was due to the better looking sex (previous D or have to move). They are just things. I lost a 14 room 100 yr Farm house with 3 outbuildings in the middle of nowhere and it was paid fer.
Last year I lived in a hole in the ground with my very own rocks. Illumination was real bad, no heat or air, stove was mud and rocks with stolen plywood for heat. Good dutch oven. Made OK toast. Asps provided excitement and some meat. Scorpions just excitement. Got the read the same magazines 30 times apiece. Locals provided fireworks for free. Some were pretty. We will not discuss the plumbing.
Houses are for kid's security. You will do well. I do feel your pain cause I hated moving also. Hope you do not have to.
Best Wishes
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
Yeah, houses are just things. Unfortunately my W has an inflated opinion of my income and/or a nieve opinion of our bills. The way the Pendente Lite letter reads, I'm expected to move while continuing to pay all bills. I'll be living in a cardboard box on Main St. with the rest of the homeless if that goes through.
But in the midst of this turmoil I realized that I had stopped DB'ing and was letting this latest grenade from her get me off track. I was back on my game last night, making supper and playing with the kids etc. She sat on the couch an stared at the TV for the evening.
I have a meeting scheduled with my lawyer next Monday. Since her mother lives just a few minutes away, my suggestion is that she move in with her mom if I'm stressing her. She is the one who wants a D and has refused to even attempt to work on our R. I don't deny that it is her right to make that choice, but the consequences should be hers as well. I know that I'm fighting an uphill battle, but I guess we all have to tilt at a windmill once in a while. Keeps the armor shiny.
Until Monday I'll be keeping a low profile and working on my GAL and 180's. I've gotten most of my initial goals under control and seem to have plateaued. Need to come up with more goals.
Quick question for anyone who might have a suggestion. W has landed a job, she had been trying for two months. Except for her illness over the last few months, she had worked for the last 10 years and helped with the kid expenses etc. I’m hoping the job will improve her attitude and get her to start seeing “us” in a different light.
However, the “divorce machine” continues to churn. Having been served with the D papers I had 30 days to respond. This week my attorney will respond and he is going to take issue with several of the statements made by my W via her attorney, in a very aggressive manner. Frankly, I don’t believe the wording in the papers I received are anything but her attorney painting me in a very bad light to get some advantage, and my attorney will reply in like manner. Result will likely be a strongly negative response from my W.
So, do I just wait for the bomb to drop on her and try to weather the tsunami that results? Do I alert her in advance that, because she filed, I must respond – I have no choice?
I see this as being counterproductive to what I really want, but we are now caught up in the D mechanism and she has to put the brakes on or it won’t stop. I can’t stop it and if I don’t defend myself I’ll be in sorry shape.
You can address the incorrect things that were on your wife's petition without lashing back at her. You have a say on how aggressive your lawyer gets. Don't stoop to her and her lawyer's level. You have positives going for you and you should accentuate these positives in your response. I don't think you necessarily want to do a smear campaign on your wife. If you respond harshly with criticisms of your wife on paper it doesn't matter whether you tell her in advance or let her read it for herself you will have kept the negative ball rolling. Once you start throwing criticisms back and forth you might as well kiss your chances at reconciliation goodbye. If you just want a fair settlement then say so in your response. The judge will listen to something reasonable.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
My lawyer did a fair job in his response to her filing. We both understand that what is true and what is perceived are not necessarily the same thing but just as real to the person on the other side. I don't think she thought what her attorney wrote was untrue. So we disagreed and substantiated our points with some facts. Again, my perceptions and not necessarily entirely true either. That's why we need to talk. My lawyer made it clear that I want to reconcile with my W and that our position is that we can work it out and it would be best for all concerned for us to stay together. He then gave a "fall back" position that if she persists in her desire to D, then she should move out and I'll keep the home and care for the children. He pointed out that we are talking about D17 (18 in Sept. and starting college in a couple of weeks.) and twin S15. These are not babes in arms and will do quite well with the LBS.
W has landed a job and is now working. I had hoped that there would be a change in her attitude once she started working but the Ice Queen is still in full force. It is probably too soon and I've got to try not to focus on her and her actions.
I know she is getting tired of rooming with D17 and wants her own space. I don't know how to provide that in a 3 bedroom home.
Came home from work and W managed to turn her Ice Queen temperature control to absolute zero! I mean I got "the look" from the moment I walked in the door.
I expect she heard from her attorney today. And on top of that it came out while I was cooking dinner that she failed her drug test at her new job! Her doctor will intervene...she is on medication for her ulcer and some complication from the gallbladder surgery etc. He warned her it might show up in a drug test and to have the company call him and he would straighten it out. But it still pi$$ed her off and, of course, she vented on me. No problem; I had just come from the gym and made supper in my stinking gym clothes. I had worked out all of my frustrations so she couldn't rile me. I validated and, while things were cooking, hit the shower.
She's over at her mom's right now, venting on that poor dear. Some on this BB have raised the question, if she came back now, would you want her? Well, she hasn't left yet, but yes, if she is willing to work on our R. If she wants to just vent on me daily, she can move out and I'll take care of the kids. I love her dearly, but martyrdom(sp?) was never my style.
Journaling Thursday evening I relayed a message from D17 to W, asking she do something on Sunday. W says she won't be here, she's going away for the weekend Friday she left directly from work. She didn't say where she was going or with whom. Of course, the mind is working overtime creating all sorts of scenarios.
Unfortunately, no matter how hard I have DB'd, her intention to D has never wavered. Yup, I know, I've been focusing on her way too much and that isn't good DB'ing. I've got to get myself back on track.
I'll spend this weekend doing the chores that I've avoided for weeks and try to keep my mind off of my sitch.
Journaling She has become increasingly distant over the last two weeks and yesterday morning I fell off the DB wagon completely. We had a mojor argument as I was about to leave for work. She takes off for a weekend, without a word of where she's going or with whom, and thinks nothing of it. I leave for a day without telling her where I'm going (the kids knew) and she has a fit.
I spoke with my attorney and asked him to negotiate with hers to see if we could arrange a separation where she gets a reasonable child support amount and I have enough to live on in an apartment or? I think the only way I can give her the space she needs is to move out. Living in the same house right now just causes too much friction and opportunity for anger and hatred. My last hope is that some time apart will help to soften her stance. If not, well, we can't go on like this.
By all means, get out ASAP. While who knows if it will help your chances at all, I think it would definitely be a boost for your self-esteem and happiness. Living under those conditions is just an anchor at this point. You might have a better outlook that will be more apparent to your STBX.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I've tried the best I could to DB us back into a satisfying R but to no avail. I know I've said it before and then renewed my DB'ing efforts, but this time it looks like I'm done.
Friday she left directly from work. She didn't say where she was going or with whom. Of course, the mind is working overtime creating all sorts of scenarios.