H: I asked my sister - she said she couldnt hear you. Me: laughed, i thought in a resigned way H: what's so funny, why do you find it funny Me: it is interesting the way you are re-creating events H: look, why dont you call me tonight and we'll talk. Me: nothing to talk about - I asked you to do something, you havent done it, tells me what I need to do H: look, I will do it Me: when H: you are not very clear about what you want Me: my email was very, very clear - I cannot be any clearer. H: I will come and then we will talk Me: there is nothing to talk about. .... Me: I dont have any feelings of animosity towards you. I am working very hard on trying to forgive you and your girlfriend. H: she is not my girlfriend Me: it does not matter - she has hurt me and I am trying to forgive her. ... H: I am committed to our M Me: we have different definitions of commitment. I am not interested in having a paper husband. To me commitment implies physical, emotional, mental and intellectual commitment. H: I'll come back and we'll talk
I hung up. I know, not good to hang up but i was shaking and really close to crying out loud. I feel like H does not understand relationships in the same way I do. I am also not sure what this means for us.
Some thoughts:
I came across this almost eleven years ago but it only just struck home.
Time - performed by Sir Laurence Olivier
Stand before me on the sign of infinity, all you of the earth. With the granting of the law of provination comes the application of change.
I will give you the key. And with this knowledge, please realise, comes the responsibility of sharing it. I will show you the way.
It's very simple. Throughout the universe there is order.
In the movement of the planets, in nature and in the functioning of the human mind. A mind that is in its natural state of order, is in harmony with the universe and such a mind is timeless.
Your life is an expression of your mind. You are the creator of your own Universe - For as a human being, you are free to will whatever state of being you desire through the use of your thoughts and words.
There is great power there.
It can be a blessing or a curse - It's entirely up to you. For the quality of your life is brought about by the quality of your thinking - think about that.
Thoughts produce actions - look at what you're thinking.
See the pettiness and the envy and the greed and the fear and all the other attitudes that cause you pain and discomfort.
Realize that the one thing you have absolute control over is your attitude.
See the effect that it has on those around you. For each life is linked to all life and your words carry with them chain reactions like a stone that is thrown into a pond.
If your thinking is in order, your words will flow directly from the heart creating ripples of love.
If you truly want to change your world, my friends, you must change your thinking.
Reason is your greatest tool, it creates an atmosphere of understanding, which leads to caring which is love.
Choose your words with care. Go forth ... with love.
I think this narration captures my search for a better self at the moment and also reflects what NY said the other day about having power over ourselves to maintain a distinction from animals.
As a child my one constant prayer was, 'Dear God, please make me a good person. If you cannot make me a good person, please dont make me a bad person'. I realise now how limiting this prayer was but the reason I am bringing it up is that for me, the most important quality a person can ever have is to be a good person. I remember many times thinking I would rather be good than beautiful. But with all my good intentions, somewhere along the line, my actions began to show me to be a not so good person.
Because my upbringing was so different, to say the least, I grew up with a strong sense of self-preservation and a strong instinct to protect myself. No one else was going to do it. Paulo Freire's book 'the pedagogy of the oppressed' somewhere makes reference to the fact that 'the oppressed can become the oppressors'. I had never thought of myself in these terms until recently. How did I end up 'oppressing'? Did I not realise what I was doing? 'Oppressed' and 'oppressor' are rather dramatic terms and sound really heavy; I dont quite mean that my actions were quite so horrific. I think I am just trying to say that in the process of protecting myself, I ended up hurting others.
But,the buck stops here. I have blamed my background, my experiences, my parents enough. It is high time I took responsibility for myself. I realised this when I found out about Hs EA. I even talked about this issue with the counsellor I was seeing then.
In some ways, it is when we engage in certain practices that they become clearer. For the past month and a half, I have been trying to replace my negative actions with more positive behaviours. This has given me a greater sense of self. I was reading someone's thread who talked about praying for a man who would love her truly and got divorced. This stopped me in my tracks. I pray for God to make me a better person - this has certainly done that. Dont they say 'be careful what you wish for - you just might get it'?
So, where am I? Would you believe - I dont know. All I know is no matter what happens, I will be okay, I will try to be a good person. I will honestly wish for the best for H.
