After my previous post I reread my entire thread - I was a little flummoxed (is this even a word?)!!! It doesnt sound like I've learned anything or even that I am moving. My posts have tended to have a cyclical pattern (very like the roller coaster). I have periods of doubt, guilt, verbal commitments from H, my wanting to believe him, my checking up on him, my finding out he is still with ow, me giving another ultimatum etc, etc, etc,
I just have to laugh at myself.
Yet, I think there have been many changes in me - perhaps I am not so good at writing or perhaps I only post at certain times so the cyclical effect is a result of this.
Ah well. Update since my last post. H did not call on Friday - yes, I was surprised. Although now, with hindsight, I should not have expected his call. However he did call on Sunday.
From the call on sunday:
Me: ow's sister came to London over the weekend and had the audacity to come to my office. I dont understand these people. If I was in their place I would be too ashamed to show my face. H: I will make sure they know that I love you. (this with reference to my asking for proof that he has broken up with ow)
more bits and pieces, then: H: i know you can live without me and will be happy; but I am not so sure I can live without you. I know you are the best for me. ..... we were happy once and we can be happy again ... you have told me many times to go - if I loved her, I would have left, but the truth is I dont love her. I want to be with you.
Doesnt it make your heart melt? Ah well, more laughing at me. I bought it. Yes, you may ask, what's new?
Fast forward to Monday (the next day). Our wedding anniversary and a public holiday where he is. I expected some kind of a gesture of commitment, at the very least a phone call. guess what nada, zip, nothing. I thought I had mentally prepared myself for knowing that he was in the same place as ow on our wedding anniversary. But, by evening when I hadnt heard from him - I felt like I had been punched really hard.
I tried calling his mobile - it had been switched off. I called his sister's house and this was our conversation:
the sister: hello Me: hello sister: hello Me: hello, sister, it's me Sophie sister: hello, hello
Phone got disconnected. I tried calling back, no one picked up. There are all sorts of possibilities, however, there are too many coincidences. I think H was not home, his sister was too ashamed to tell me that he was not home at 11.00pm. I think H was with ow.
I called H this morning and asked him where he was yesterday. Our conversation:
Me: where were you yesterday, I tried calling you. H: I was home Me: what time H: a little late, around 7 Me: I tried calling you at 11; no one picked up
If H had told me that he was not interested in our M, I would not have any expectations from him. Since he is so insistent that our M is what he wants, I continue to have expectations which go unmet and this makes me resent him.
So, what do I need to learn? H may not say he wants out but he really does? H is a WAH?
It is really difficult to make a decision for myself. I am not sure if staying in the marriage is the best option or separating is. Why is it so difficult to decide? In the past, my pride has been really important; but now, I dont know if leaving him has nothing to do with pride but everything to with self-respect and making a healthy choice?
Is this a process for him as well? Does he need to grieve the loss of his relationship with ow before he can commit himself to working on ours (assuming he was sincere about breaking up with ow)?
