Well, today we celebrate the end of Ramadhan so H called me this morning to wish me. I did not ask any questions nor did I volunteer any info other than to say that D4 and I were well. H: Eid Mubarak Me: Eid Mubarak to you too, may you be blessed with happiness H: May your wishes come true, all of them H: I miss you H: Did u hear what I said? Me: yes, the line is very clear H: look, are my emails still blocked? Me: yes H: unblock them Me: my email was very clear, until certain conditions are met, I want no contact, this phone call is also not something I wish H: look I'll call you at home tomorrow and we can talk Me: I am done talking, I am done with your games, I dont want any more of this. my email is very very explicit. H: I'll call you tomorrow, Eid Mubarak Me: Thanks, bye.
I am just not sure where this is all heading.
I keep thinking of all the clues he has given me into what he's thinking but am not sure if I am reading it right.
The email he wrote that I pasted in the previous post is pretty indicative of what he's been saying. Some other things: I dont know what I want. I am not sure I want to be married. Even if you leave me, I will be alone ten years from now. I had the affair because I was sure that we were going to get divorced. After you found out, I was sure that you will be leaving so I thought I should keep contact with her just in case.
I guess to me this all says that H is not sure of what he wants, he has tried to justify his affair in various ways, he seriously considered himself to be in love with ow.
It is eating away at me that our wedding anniversary is on Monday and he is still in the same country as ow. He was supposed to be in a different country by the end of this week. But it looks as if his entire trip will be delayed by a week. On the other hand, I tell myself, even if he was in the next country would it make a difference if the anniversary had no meaning for him? No, so, it doesnt matter that he is still there. What matters is how I handle my feelings about all of this.
I have been trying to sort out all my feelings and thought and my actions.
I think that at the core of each of us are the values we hold and our intentions. There is then another layer that defines who we are that is conditioned by our experiences and then there is a final layer that translates into action which is shaped by an interaction of the two inner layers and is a response to what we experience in the moment.
I believe that my values are sound and my intentions are pure. My behaviour was conditioned by my early experiences and coloured by a need for self-preservation.
If this holds true and I can find a way to understand my behaviour then, doesnt this also hold true for H? His core values are sound - I would not have married him otherwise. He is also a product of his experiences prior to meeting me and his experiences with me. Can I not understand that H did not have the affair to hurt me? He was hurting and that is why he had the affair. Can I not find a way to feel compassion for him? Can I not understand how difficult it is to make changes in yourself no matter how good your intentions are?
I can, I do understand H and that is why I have been here as long as I have.
So, what is my point? I guess I am trying to determine what to do next. I know H will call tomorrow and will say he is done with ow, he wants to work on our M etc etc.
My dilemma is how to trust him? I am sure he will have the best intentions but how can I really believe him? Also, are we really good for each other? I believe I am better now than I have been over the past two years; but I am not so sure that H is good for me. But do I owe it to him to give it another chance?
