Thank you. I am overwhelmed by the effort you put into your post. (I have been sitting at my computer for five minutes now trying to express my gratitude and have typed and erased several times. So, although I cant find the right words, I am sending you a huge hug.)
I think, let me clarify - when I was talking about the sub-text of the Divorce remedy book, I intended to come to the same conclusions you did in your post, but somewhere along the way, I began to rant and so abandoned the attempt. Before I could pick up my train of thought, my daughter demanded her breakfast and so I posted it as it was. It is one thing to intellectually understand something and quite another to make your emotions match this. I am still working on accepting what I know intellectually. I am almost there
I think where I was going was this:
a couple of months ago, I began to resent that it was the LBS who had to make the changes and if the WAS did decide to come back then often, the WAS did not acknowledge the LBS' efforts and this then led to resentment on the part of the LBS. Because I had begun to feel this way, I began to resent DBing. However, over the past month, there has been light bulbs going off in my head - the changes the LBS makes are a recognition of their responsibility for their own actions and feelings. the changes are also necessary to enable the LBS to take the high road, become a better person and generally take charge of their own selves.
I am really grateful that I found the DR book and this website. Growth for me has been unbelievably painful but it is also a much better place to be.
The one area where I still am sore is having to accept the WAS' point of view i.e. that in order to move on it is important the LBS view the ow as an ordinary human being who was important to the WAS and who was there in the WAS' time of need. A lot of my anger has been directed towards the ow and I know that this is something I need to work on.
Quote: I'd think that a more thought closer to the truth would be "the WAS gives up their mistake, returning to the LBS to repair the relationship, for which the LBS is willing to give the WAS a second chance."
I think this is a more productive way of looking at the situation if the WAS gives up the ow. In my case, because H is still hanging on to ow and is being deceptive about it, it is not easy to think of him as giving up his mistake (since he hasn't).
Quote: If it's not in our power to handle our emotions and reactions, then we're mere animals, not humans. We have an intellect that gives us the capacity to manage ourselves.
I think this is a really powerful thought. However, I think that managing ourselves is quite a complex issue. From personal experience, I know that our upbringing has a huge part to play in our responses to people and events. I was brought up in a household where shouting and put-downs were very much the norm. It was how you expressed yourself and managed a relationship. I didn't know any different. I grew up watching Indian movies where emotions run high; put downs are a norm. I didnt see any different. I didnt experience anything different. It is only this past year, that I am beginning to see a need for a different script in my life. The problem is I still dont know any different - I know that my current script is not appropriate (some may say this is half the battle) but what do I replace this with and how do i sustain this effort? This is my current struggle. I like to believe that I am definitely human and not an animal even though I have been unable to control my emotions in certain situations. However, now that I know the difference and know better, I need to prove that I am in the human zone.
NY, again thank you. I treasure your posts and the wisdom in them. There is so much in your post that I need to process.
Journalling:
There is a certain lightness in my being these days. It comes from the acceptance that the uncertainty in my life is there and is not about to go away but that no matter what will eventually happen, I will be okay. I am beginning to find great comfort in the saying 'nothing is permanent'. I have always carried so much guilt and so much worry over the years - that now, beginning to let go of it all is such a relief.
A different tangent: A couple of years ago, a friend came to dinner and was observing my daughter who had just turned three at the time play. She had taken a book out and 'read' it. She then turned to the bookshelf and proceeded to take another one out. The friend told her 'why dont you put the first book back?' At the time I didnt think anything of it other than, 'yeah that's a great idea, I should encourage her to develop neatness from now'. Lately though, that incident came to me as an example of how I failed to teach my D4 a simple organisational skill. I realised that I was unable to teach my daughter this because I myself did not know this. I was brought up without ever once having to clean my room or being responsible for tidying up after I had played. It's a simple example but it drove home to me that there are probably other things (social skills) I had not been taught and this is why I am struggling so much with relationship issues. I have been beating myself up about not doing things right or not being the best person. But I think I am the point where I feel that I just have to stop blaming myself. I mean, I could have been much worse
I have so much more to write about, but I have to get back to work. So, adios for now.
