I have been re-reading Divorce Remedy. A couple of months ago, I began to question the sub-text of the book. All of the emphasis is on the LBS to improve and make changes - does this implicitly mean that the LBS has caused the affair?
Not at all, and I think MWD might even have mentioned in the book that the LBS is not to blame themself for the affair.
The emphasis is on the LBS to take the initiative and make changes because of several, practical reasons. Firstly, the only person one has control over (and therefore can surely change) is oneself. The changes are in seeking self-improvement (eliminating behaviors that sabotage one's happiness, sabotage relationships, etc., and trade those in for effective behaviors), and also because by changing behaviors and patterns, correspondingly, those we interact with (such as the WAS) are likely prompted to change in response.
Secondly, the book is dealing with relationships where one partner is mostly dissatisfied with it, doesn't want it, has given up. That partner is likely therefore not to have the motivation to repair the relationship. The onus to do the work then can only be left to the partner who does want the relationship.
Nothing about this implies any liability to the LBS beyond the LBS's part they contributed to the failure of the relationship.
Even if the WAS changes their mind and decides to stick with the M, the LBS has little hope of getting a meaningful apology from the WAS since to the WAS, they are the ones giving up their great love to be with the LBS and in turn the LBS should be grateful. I find this really hard to swallow.
That's your view, but it's a view based on certain reasoning that isn't all too helpful. Some LBSs may receive what seems to be a "meaningful apology", but that doesn't always predicate a reconciliation. In my case, for example, my WAW has expressed her apologies several times, yet we're not together.
Better than expressions of regret are the actual actions.
Thinking in terms of the "WAS giving up their great love to return to the LBS, for which the LBS should be grateful" strikes me as being colored by indignation. I'd think that a more thought closer to the truth would be "the WAS gives up their mistake, returning to the LBS to repair the relationship, for which the LBS is willing to give the WAS a second chance."
It just seems really unfair, though. yeah, yeah, I know, life is not fair, I should get used to it.
That life isn't fair is certainly true.
It's also true that what you've mentioned seems unfair.
But the issue isn't about fairness. The issue is, that's life, this happened, now...do you want to work towards reconciliation? Do you want to stay looking at the trees of unfairness, or do you want to view the forest?
I do know what I want: if H gives up ow, I want an honest attempt to repair our M on both our sides. if H does not give up ow, then I want to separate and get on with my life.
Giving up the OW and not having any further contact with her forever is certainly reasonable for a reconciling WAS to do.
However instead what I have is a spouse who believes that he is completely in love with ow; cannot be honest with me; possibly does not know what he wants; does not want to a divorce because of various reasons but cannot emotionally let go of ow because of his feelings for her. however, he states that he has given her up and does not want a divorce.
Again, the actions speak louder than words. Also, it's not just the OW that H cannot let go of. It's very smart for you to take control therefore and decide what is best for you and only you.
What drove me for a major part of my life was fear.
I believe fears are really what drive all of us. It's how you view and manage those fears, and therefore your actions arising from them, that either will sabotage your life or enable you to make your life successful.
fear of not being in control. I dont believe I need control for power. I am just scared of what will happen if I lose control.
Certainly, we all have a need to feel that we're in control of our lives/circumstances to some degree, lest we feel overwhelmed and hopeless or victimized or some such thing. Fears again. The fact is, we actually have no control, the feeling of control is an illusion. Therefore, managing those fears provides a stronger foundation to our lives than trying to have control.
When I think back to instances where I have lost my temper, it is usually because I am scared of what will happen if things dont go the way I think they should.
That's a good example of what I mean. You have certain expectations of outcomes, and fearing the perceived repercussions of those outcomes not being realized prompts you into certain coping behaviors that are ineffective. That keeps you on a leash, always experiencing the effects of the behaviors. Those behaviors, such as temper demonstrations, also serve as a self-fulfilling prophecy, because, for example, if you're afraid of losing someone dear to you, but engage in temper tantrums with them, you're more likely to push them away then draw them closer.
I think however what comes across from him is his selfishness in not even trying to understand all the repercussions of his affair.
Understand that there's a lot of guilt and pain for the WAS in doing so. Understand too that typically, the WAS's mentality is about avoiding pain, running away from it instead of facing it and working through it. So it's not surprising that they'll typically choose the path of least resistance and avoid.
This is what makes me angry.
That's your reaction to your thinking on that perspective. Does understanding the mind set of the WAS help in diffusing some of that anger?
Basically you implied that to control her responses was definitely within her power. I have since then thought a lot about this and would like to be able to control my responses.
If it's not in our power to handle our emotions and reactions, then we're mere animals, not humans. We have an intellect that gives us the capacity to manage ourselves. You know when the thought in your head is a sarcastic one. That doesn't mean it has to be expressed through your lips. Sarcasm cuts people down; it derives its humor by belittling others and exploiting them. Sarcasm can be funny, but it's hurtful, so when it's funny, it's funny with a price. The price just isn't worth it.
You had also given great advice on thought stopping in my previous thread which I followed and it worked. Do you have any tips on controlling my responses to H?
I don't know what type of responses you're talking about, but in general, put a time delay between your thoughts and your responses. Identify the character of your thought: is it sarcasm, is it blame, is it all about your expectations, are you bringing up past grudges, for example? Instead of rationalizing them, view them realistically: Is this really important? Does it need to be said or do I just feel like it needs to be said right now? Is this going to make things better or will it aggravate the situation? Am I deriving my thought from assumptions?
Like any other habit, it takes consideration at first to change our responses/reactions and put on a new way of handling ourselves.
Every time, I give in and then he makes all kinds of promises and never follows through. Each time I then find out that he is still seeing ow. This, for me is totally unacceptable.
It is unacceptable. I think you know by now that his actions don't back up his words. That puts you in a place where, unfortunately, it's not the relationship you want nor is it getting you there. Now you have to decide what you're going to do for yourself and your life.
He said that there is a part of him that got involved but that he is incapable of committing too deeply. If this is true, then that means that he has never loved ow, which seems to be good news for me. But, if I were to think further about this, this is terrible for me because it means that he is also incapable of feeling too deeply about me and that our M has been a farce from the beginning.
Your marriage wasn't a farce. You're generalizing your whole relationship based on how it turned out, instead of what it was. That aside, I think that statement from your H is very, very telling. When someone tells you that they're incapable of committing, one ought to take heed!
The key about someone who has commitment problems is that they cannot say either yes or no, and I think that accounts for why he hasn't let go of you as well. I'm in that same situation. The way I'm handling it is to move forward, understanding that our dear, poor ex-lovers have some serious issues with navigating themselves through life. Their problem, not ours. Yours, unlike mine, has an awareness of that problem, yet without getting to the stage where he actually expends effort in working through those problems constructively. I say, talk to me when you've done that work.
