H called yesterday. As soon as I picked up the phone, D4 picked up the extension in the living room, and so when H started speaking to her, I hung up from my end. After he had spoken to D4, he asked her to pass me the phone.
I think my leaving the phone does emphasize my intention of no contact until he has made the decision and has proved it. However, when he asked to speak to me, I did speak to him. In some ways, I feel that I should not have done spoken as I have laid out my boundary and it is upto me to keep up my end. On the other hand, he was calling from his family home and to not speak to him would in a way, seem insulting especially as his mother and sister were right there.
Anyway, obviously I asked H why he wanted to speak to me and he said 'why not'. I said because I had asked him to respect my need for no contact. He said that he had already broken up with ow etc. There was more of the same type of conversation between us. These exchanges leave me really upset. H does not understand where I am coming from. I do understand that he is in a different place emotionally and that to him, he is losing the love of his life and I should be grateful that he is willing to give her up. However, I dont feel grateful. I feel bitter.
I have been re-reading Divorce Remedy. A couple of months ago, I began to question the sub-text of the book. All of the emphasis is on the LBS to improve and make changes - does this implicitly mean that the LBS has caused the affair? Even if the WAS changes their mind and decides to stick with the M, the LBS has little hope of getting a meaningful apology from the WAS since to the WAS, they are the ones giving up their great love to be with the LBS and in turn the LBS should be grateful. I find this really hard to swallow. I understand that this is the way things are; there is nothing I can do to change this and that if a LBS wants to make their marriage succeed then this is one bitter pill that has to be swallowed. It just seems really unfair, though. yeah, yeah, i know, life is not fair, i should get used to it.
This post was not meant to be a rant; however that is what is has turned out to be.
I do know what I want: if H gives up ow, I want an honest attempt to repair our M on both our sides. if H does not give up ow, then I want to separate and get on with my life.
However instead what i have is a spouse who believes that he is completely in love with ow; cannot be honest with me; possibly does not know what he wants; does not want to a divorce because of various reasons but cannot emotionally let go of ow because of his feelings for her. however, he states that he has given her up and does not want a divorce.
What are my options?
Oops, D4 wants her breakfast - so i will complete this later.
