A long overdue post: (euphimism for a monster post coming up)
On the surface of things - more of the same happened. Scratch beneath the surface and a lot has happened.
Quick situational update: I had asked H to move out by the end of August and had planned a weekend away for myself at that time. H, as I knew, dug in his heels and did not want to move out. He wanted to stay on in the apartment and said he would sleep in D4s room. He ended up convincing me to go along with him and D4 on holiday. Once there, I shamelessly pursued H and told him I did not want a divorce and we connected physically in a major way. A lot of it was due to me drinking and being very uninhibited.
We got back to London and he moved back into our bedroom. H left for his business trip to the country where ow lives on Oct 10th. He is still there.
Reflective update:
Separating from H if he is continuing to see ow is the right decision for me. During September things were very different between us. I believed that we had a strong chance of recovering from Hs affair. This happened because I changed my attitude to being Hs friend, spoke gently to him and loved him. H responded to some extent. However his response was guarded. This may have been due to several reasons: either he still believes himself to be in love with ow or he was not sure whether the changes on my side were genuine. Our phyical intimacy increased significantly in quantity and quality during September. I think, for the first time in our married lives, both H and I were genuinely, massively contented with this area of our marriage. In fact, H was verrrry happy. I have begun to see my own behaviour and how it contributed to Hs unhappiness in a very brutal way. But I am also beginning to see how H contributed to my unhappiness. Unfortunately we were both caught up in a vicious cycle of pain. I still have a really long way to go before I can say that I am happy with me. I found myself smacking my D4 and this has scared me into action. I have begun reading up on anger and trying to work on myself. Counselling is not an option for me at this point, although it would be the ideal solution. I have begun praying and this has helped me somewhat. I used to be very religious and was a strong believer. Somewhere along the line, I lost my faith and now, I pray but with a lot of scepticism. I think, among all that I have lost, it is the loss of faith that I mourn the most, along with the sense of innocence.
The way forward:
A couple of weeks ago, I wrote H an email (copied almost word for word from Dr Harley's book) and told him that I wanted no contact until he decided to end his affair. And if he decided instead to end our M, I still wanted no contact and that everything could be worked out with no direct contact. I decided that it hurt me too much to be in contact with H whilst he was having his affair. I need the space and the distance. I will paste the letter, his response and my subsequent response in the next post. It will save me summarising it all.
At the moment, I am working on becoming a Sophie I am proud of. I know in my heart what I am, what my intentions are. For the first time in my life, I am beginning to understand that my actions, which I thought of as self-preservation, were actually harmful to myself and others. My sarcasm and my coldness were not in keeping with how I want to be or how I believe I am. (My hitting H is absolutely inappropriate and is not what I am referring to here). I believe I can get to where I want to be.
What drove me for a major part of my life was fear. Fear of not being loved, fear of being rejected and lately, fear of not being in control. I dont believe I need control for power. I am just scared of what will happen if I lose control. A book I am reading says that the basic fear underlying all this is the fear of not being able to cope. I identify with this. When I think back to instances where I have lost my temper, it is usually because I am scared of what will happen if things dont go the way I think they should.
The whole uncertainty, not knowing what will happen to D4 and myself, has to large extent kept me in this M. I am much more comfortable now, in the uncertainty. I believe that D4 and I will be okay, no matter what happens.
If anyone has made it through this far, thank you for reading and I would love to hear any comments.
