From your qualifying comment, I take it that you understand that underlying my decision is an anger that wont go away.
I cannot deny it. I am angry at him on one level. More than this is the hurt that he is continually causing by his lying. I understand that in his way he is trying to minimize the hurt he is causing me but he also wants to continue his R with ow. I think however what comes across from him is his selfishness in not even trying to understand all the repurcussions of his affair. He reminds me of an ostrich with his head buried in the sand hoping that if he stays there long enough, the danger will go away. This is what makes me angry.
On a different level, there is the recognition that our M has been truly awful with both of us on one hand being selfish and on the other, trying in our ways to please the other but not understanding that we were doing the wrong things.
I guess it's not a simple black or white situation, there are so many greys that it all seems murky. I am already wondering whether I will, as H says, regret my decision. But I guess deep in my heart I know that this time H has gone too far and to carry on in this M will be a loss of me.
NY, what bothers me is that I find it difficult to control my sarcastic comments to him. In one of your posts to someone who had made a similar comment: I think she said something to the effect of 'I couldn't help myself...'. You responded by saying 'you can'. Basically you implied that to control her responses was definitely within her power. I have since then thought a lot about this and would like to be able to control my responses.
You had also given great advice on thought stopping in my previous thread which I followed and it worked. Do you have any tips on controlling my responses to H?
Hi Burgbud
You are right, I dont believe H because he has constantly made the same claims since January when I found out about the A. Every time, I give in and then he makes all kinds of promises and never follows through. Each time I then find out that he is still seeing ow. This, for me is totally unacceptable. If our M were to have any kind of a chance, he should have given up ow - for me, there was no compromise on this. I suppose that this seems harsh.
As well, when I dig deeper, he doesnt appear to have any warmth or good feelings towards me - it is just easier and more convenient for his career to carry on in this M.
Two days ago, he said that I dont know him if I think that he got involved too deeply with ow. He said that there is a part of him that got involved but that he is incapable of committing too deeply. If this is true, then that means that he has never loved ow, which seems to be good news for me. But, if I were to think further about this, this is terrible for me because it means that he is also incapable of feeling too deeply about me and that our M has been a farce from the beginning.
This is the hardest part to swallow. I loved H so completely - yes, I made many mistakes, I was not able to understand how to love him. But this cannot negate that I loved him and wanted to make him happy. My intentions were never wrong. It is in a sense, a double edged loss. Not only have I lost my H and my M, but I am also finding out that H was never the H I thought he was. All of this has left a dull ache. I dont think I am capable of loving any one else with the same intensity, the same purity.
