An unqualified opinion: H believes his whole R with Ow is dependent on lies and secrecy. He feels incredibly threatened by any possibility of exposure. So he lashes out at you when he gets scared that the A might come to what to him would be a premature end.
I can relate to a certain extent. My W doesn't want her family to know what's going on so they'll be able to accept Om in the future (they know we're on the path to D, just not about Om). And it does seem to me that "outing" her to her family would just be kind of revenge or self-satisfaction for me, so I won't do it of my own accord. But understand that her family is 1000 miles away and it's unlikely I'll have any contact with them anyway. So all that's required of me here is not to pick up the phone and tattle.
But to live a lie every day at work? Absolutely no chance I could do that. I can't go around being cautious every second. H says you're trying to destroy him?!? I know people say stupid things when they're scared, but if he stands by this position then he's being a spineless twerp. If you were going to his boss and trying to get him fired, or if you were telling everyone in the office so they'd hate him then maybe he'd have a point. But just to tell the truth about your own life, "H and I are separated"? No way. I look at his insistence that you totally cover up for him as him being willing to destroy you.
And what's really destroying him here, anyway? Is it you telling people you're separated or him having an affair?!
I guess you have to understand that if, in his view, you broke up his R with Ow for spite, no matter how completely mental that belief is, it won't do anything positive for your M. But I know in my case I would feel beaten down pretty quickly having to hide everything every day, and that wouldn't be any good for the M, either.
I'm really sorry you have to deal with this crap on top of everything else. Good luck!
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