Yes, he is still having the affair. No, he did not admit to it. I found out by keeping my eyes open. H is to go to a conference in November for some obscure foundation and guess who sent in an abstract to present at the conference. You got it! OW! A person who is simply an administrator and has never done any work in this related field. You've got to wonder how do these foundations select the speakers?????? And the icing on the cake - the foundation wrote to H asking if he would find funding to sponsor her trip to the conference since they come from the same country.
Of course, H being H, has denied everything. It's not the same person (it is), it's a common name (it's not) and he had nothing to do with it (he does).
Anyways, I found out about this about ten days ago and I have since made my mind up. H will never change. He will continue to take and take and walk all over me and my life for as long as I let him. This has got to stop. I choose to end this M.
I think it is the lying that gets to me. How stupid does he think I am - when he tries to convince me that it is not the same person? Why can't he be honest and admit his affair? From what I've read on these boards, the men are pretty honest and tell their wives they are having an A. H, on the other hand, expects me to continue being his slave whilst he gets his emotional fulfillment elsewhere!!!
(I think I am pretty much ranting at this point, but please bear with me - I think my friends will scream if they have to hear me talk about all of this one more time)
Anyway, there are all sorts of complications in my case. I dont know whether to believe H, but that's a different story.
One more complication - H and I work in the same institute. He does not want anyone at our workplace to find out we are separated. I dont want to hide it because I hate having to answer queries like 'oh, you must be so glad to have your darling hubby back'. Also I want to be able to move on and hiding the fact that we are separated just adds to all the stress - I'd have to be careful about what I say and to whom, I couldn't have people over, H and I would have to get our stories straight etc. It would just be too complicated and messy.
Any advice - should I do as I said, and just mention H and I have decided we would like to part ways or should I respect H and not say anything? I think also, the biggest reason is that I dont want people to say 'Poor Sophie, H is having an A and she is so in love with him'.
H says I will ruin him if I tell people. He also accused me of wanting to destroy him. He said so many nasty things yesterday that I just dont know how to handle it. He accused me of being the reason he had the affair.
I know, that H is being unreasonable and is attacking me to justify his own actions - he may also believe these things as true. But it really hurts! This was a person who I was married to and have shared so much with. For him to turn on me in this way is just ......
Anyway.
Here is what I have been thinking:
If H is capable of all of this, arent i better off without him?
One thing confuses me - I want to leave. H should be happy. This will give him the chance for happiness with the one he loves. Why is he resisting so much?
Also by denying their affair, isnt he in a way also betraying ow and his commitment to her?
Sometimes I wonder if i am too idealistic. I suppose H looks at our situation really differently and in his mind has me as the bad person. Maybe he thinks that by refusing to separate he is doing me a favour and is sacrificing his happiness for our daughter and me but that I am not being grateful.
If so, what is the reality? Who is right? Is there one right way of looking? If both H and I are right in our own ways, then what is the best course of action for us?
I know the answer. I need to separate from H. Even the DR book says that if an affair does not end, then the only option is to leave. I have given this seven months. H has only continued the affair and is getting better and better at deceiving me.
I need H to move out. I have told him that he needs to move out by the end of August and he agreed yesterday but I dont know if it was just a way of ignoring the issue for now.
I suppose my best course of action is just to wait until the end of August and see. If he moves out, it will be good. However this is H. What if he does not move out? What are my options then? On my salary I will just barely scrape through after meeting the rent on our apartment. I cannot afford to move to a different place and also, why should I have to go through the 'joy' of moving when we are in this position because of him? I know, bitterness rearing its head.
Anyways that is where things are at. I would appreciate comments on this post especially your thoughts on whether I should tell people at work or not.
