This is probably going to be a really long post. I would really appreciate anyone's thoughts. Another point of view often helps clarify our own thinking.
Well, afterday yesterday's events, all of this seems so unimportant. So many went to work yesterday not knowing that they would not see another day. I was really lucky - having overslept I missed the tube otherwise I would be one of those stuck in the tunnels. As the day unfolded all I could think of was how uncertain life is and how it is so important to make every minute count. This made me question all of this all over again.
I began to wonder if I am doing right to try and see if there is a chance H and I can work things out. Maybe I need to view this as a wakeup call. I mean, our M was on the rocks before the A - maybe this is just the impetus I need to let go of H. Since this whole thing came to light, I feel like I have begun to live again. I've realised what I am looking for.
On the other hand - yes, H made a mistake, but he is now making some steps towards me. Maybe it is time to forgive and forget. Life is really short and sooo uncertain. Isnt it more important to love than to hold on to our anger and pride for infinity?
However, to look at it from yet another angle - I am not holding on to anger and pride. H betrayed me when I needed him the most. H and I dont seem to be very good for each other. I now know what I want out of life and H does not seem capable of meeting my expectations. (Not that my expectations are very high). Besides who wants to go throught life always wondering if you can trust your husband?
Yet again, maybe if H is showing positive steps towards me, maybe these are solid bricks which we can use to build an unbreakable foundation for a beautiful, lasting and unshakeable M?
See, I know I have to make the ultimate decision for myself, but I want people's input on the thoughts I have put here. Is there yet another way of looking at things? Am I missing something? Am I being open-minded and fair? Or am I still reacting from hurt and anger?
Today was my birthday and H had left a gift for me. This was thoughtful and he also called early this morning and again this evening. He had even left money in an envelope so I could go buy a cake. I have really mixed feelings about all of this as well.
Part of me recognises that he put some effort into all of this. But part of me has just been left really cold - he put really little thought into the gifts themselves. Even the things he wrote in the card was so lukewarm that it was a slight shock. I guess I wanted gestures that showed that he cared for me and valued me and appreciated all that I have done over the past few months.
The logical part of me says he is probably still attached to ow. I have not deposited enough love in his love bank. He may also feel that if he suddenly goes from expressing love for ow to expressing love for me in a similar manner, it will come across as phony. By keeping it simple, it's a truer and more sincere expression.
But then also if H is still attached to ow, then I wonder why I am doing all this. If she makes him really happy, and he is in love with her, then should I not just wish him well and leave them to establish their life together? Why do i want to break them up?
So all of this is really confusing. I know that I have said that I will give things a chance but I am just wondering if this is not a chance for me to leave a relationship that has no hope of getting better?
