I think I had a breakthrough yesterday - I began to understand, really understand, what relying on yourself for your own happiness may look like. It just hit me. H is not doing anything to make me happy, or validate me or in any way concerned with me at this point. Yet, for the most part, I am happy, am starting to feel good about myself. I guess this is what it means - happiness must come from within. One cannot rely on another for happiness. I think this may seem really insignificant - but, for me, this is truly an emancipatory thought. For most of my life, I have not had any self-confidence and a really negative and dependent self-image. In a really strange way, the past few months seem to have done me more good than harm.
I have had bad times since H left on his trip, where thoughts of what if H is with ow have concerned me. But, in order to feel better, it did not take anything for H to do or for a sign from him (needless to say he didnt). This is what was astounding.
Ironically, as soon as I was having a great evening yesterday, H called. I answered with a smile and sounded happy to hear from him and interested in what he had to say. However, the line was really bad and I could barely hear him, so I told him I would call him back to try to get a better connection. I could not get through, however this is not a bad thing. It gives me time to rethink how I want the next conversation to go from my side.
H calling so often leaves question marks. Is this a sign of guilt, or of him trying to reassure me, or just him consciously being more concerned/supportive? Ah, I guess time will tell. I used to hate being told, time will tell, give it time, time is a great healer. Now, i love having time - it truly is a great healer.
