I am having a hard day trying not to think about whether H has contacted her or not. I even had dreams last night about him finding excuses to go see her. I was doing so well over the weekend not thinking of these things but the dream just let loose all sorts of 'what ifs' in my head.
So I am writing to try to sort myself out of the downward spiral. Because it is a spiral. Giving in to it is detrimental.
So, let's get the focus back to the title of this thread 'changing perspectives'. What does this mean for me?
When I started on this journey, the overwhelming feeling was that of hurt, profound hurt. I dont think I'll ever forget those first couple of months. Luckily I found this board during the third month.
This is what I started with: I think there was a strong part of me that wanted to lay blame and say 'there this was what you did' and 'this is what I did'. Guilt for the part I played. Bewilderment that the person who was to protect me had hurt me in this way. Hatred for the betrayal. Beating my head against the wall(metaphorical) separating H and me. Feelings of 'why me?'.
I think over time I began to center my thoughts and feelings. I began to understand that I need to work on myself first and foremost. I began to understand what my goals are in terms of my life and my M. I needed to take charge of my life.
The A: Hs feelings for ow were not aimed at hurting me. Hs feelings for ow are a separate entity from his feelings for me. H is a person, some good, some needing improvement - but above all, he is human, not superhuman. There is nothing I could have done to prevent the A. The A was Hs choice and says more about him than it does about me. The A gave H whatever was missing for him from our M.
Our M: H and I are opposites in temperament and character. H and I used to share similarities to a large extent regarding our professions and our theoretical frameworks. I am beginning to suspect H and I had different expectations out of life and our M. H and I communicate really well regarding our professional lives but not our personal lives. H and I dont meet each other's emotional needs. H is a good person and so am I.
Me: I have always avoided being the focus or centre of anything. I have always tried to hide. I am me, however, and I like me. I dont think I would be happier being anybody else. Sure there are things I could improve but for the most part, I am doing ok. Through this whole experience I've learned how strong I can be. (I have also been able to see H as slightly immature and this comes as a major shock. Since I've met H, he has always been like a demi-God to me. This realisation that he is not and is just human like me and that there are areas where he needs improvement as well is weirdly uplifting.) I have come a long way.
What I have learned: Life is short, precious, to be enjoyed. Anger is one letter away from danger. Valuing people is the most important thing in life. There is so much grey in the world - nothing is black or white. I had a tendency to think in absolutes, but this new perspective is liberating. I need to enjoy life much more and stop taking things so seriously. Nothing in life is guaranteed except that there are no guarantees. Change is good. However, I cannot change H. I can only change myself. The serenity prayer is what fits here but I cant remember it exactly. I will be ok, with or without H.
Specifics: H being away in ow's country is bothering me. But what can I do about it. Nothing. If he is seeing her, then I have to trust in God that this will become known to me and then I can move on. Even if it does not become known to me, Hs actions when he gets back will help me determine if this M is something I can live with, be happy with. The focus has needed to change to
what I can do to be happy, not what H can do to make me happy. What am I vs what is H like, what do I want from the M vs what can H give me in the M, what can I do to make this M work how can i make my life work for me vs why isnt my life working
See, I feel better already, having taken written pages and pages on this board.
