H called yesterday. He told me in general terms what he has been upto whilst there and asked about what we've been upto. We talked for 20min. I did not speak with a smile. My face felt frozen. My mind kept saying 'smile, d*mn it' but I just couldn't. I kept wanting to ask 'have you contacted her?' but did not. But i did ask 'is there anything else I should know about'. I meant this to be a breezy, light, end of conversation question. Instead it came out tight and clipped. H pretended not to know what I was asking and this raises alarm bells. Surely, he should be able to re-assure me that he is not seeing her. It has taken a huge leap of faith on my part to not go with him on this trip and to agree to continue working on our M whilst he is there. His ignoring what I was really asking takes me back to the days when he was communicating with ow over the phone and telling me at home that he wanted to work on our M and that he had stopped all contact.
If only H were more honest with me. He has lied all along and this makes trusting him so difficult. Yet without me trusting him, I fear that our M will not make it.
I have also been reading on other threads that of all the people that DB, only a handful actually make it. This is a really scary thought. My M was shaky to begin with, this A has just driven it over the edge and now I am trying to pull the parachute chord, find it is broken and I am hoping for a safe landing. Is this possible?
This weekend is just dragging on - it doesnt help that the weather is so dreary. Ah well, I am taking D to the park in an hour and hopefully that will be good for us.
