Right, I would like to bounce off a few ideas - so anyone with any response is welcome.
H left yesterday. Over the weekend, I kept expecting him to say let's go out for a meal - or lets do something special this weekend since it was the last weekend together for five weeks. Other than shopping for his family, we did not do much. Monday, he actually made an effort to come home early. However Tuesday, the night before he was to leave, he did not get home until 10.00p.m!!!! I understand he wanted to make sure all was ok at work before he left but this was ridiculous. To top it all, he took D4 in the morning to buy a birthday card for me and he told her that he would bring a cake home that evening and we would celebrate my birthday before he left. D kept asking if it was my birthday and fell asleep waiting for 'papa will bring the cake'. He did not even think to spend time with D!!!!
He then said that his exboss came to visit and she took his time. All I could say was 'I dont even want to hear why you are late. I leave work everyday at 5.00 because I know I have to pick D up. If I am late she is the last one at the nursery and she hates being the last to leave. If you really wanted to leave you could tell exboss that you would love to catch up but need to get home'. He has hidden my birthday gift behind Ds bed. I am sure he thinks this will be sweet, and it is sweet and a little thoughtful, but to me, its linked to his coming late on Tuesday and thus is irritating. We could have had a lovely evening on Tuesday if he had only put us first for a change. We always have to accomodate him - he never tries to accommodate us.
Part of me is angry - he is so thoughtless, doesnt consider me a priority and is simply childlike when it comes to our R. Part of me feels maybe he doesnt realise what this is doing to me.
Okay - I need your thoughts on the above and am I being unreasonable to expect us to do something special before he leaves? (as a family we dont have a social life, and this irritates me.)
He hasnt called yet or emailed me to let me know he's arrived or anything!!!
As I re-read the above, I realised several things - I should not have preached when H came home late. I am working on learning to validate H and this preaching served no purpose. I need to find other ways of communicating my needs to H and I need to stop expecting him to come through. I should maintain an attitude of: communicate my need in a positive way, if H comes through great, if not, find a way to deal with it without preaching or without taking H on a guilt trip. Whilst I have over the last ten days or so, not been able to validate H successfully, I am becoming more aware of occassions when I have invalidated him and of what i could have done better.
He could have chosen to not buy me a gift, or to wrap it or to go to the trouble of hiding it so it is there for me on my birthday. I think I will look at this really positively, disassociate it from his coming home late and appreciate the thought that did go into it rather than focus on the thoughts that could have gone into it.
The other issue is H had booked his return flight on 10th August - this was the original plan when D and I were supposed to go with him so that after his work we would travel to his family's home which is away from the city and spend time with his family. Now, after I decided I did not want to go, he stuck to his original return date. When things between us got better and when he decided to come clean over his A, he said that he would do anything to make our M work. I asked what if I asked him to come back earlier as I did not have a problem with him going for work purposes but I did not understand why he was still there for almost two weeks after. He said that he would come back a week earlier and has changed his flight.
Now, he will come back earlier and things will go back to the same routine - he will come back late from work and basically him coming home earlier will be of no use. I want to get away - I want to go away for a few days.
I was thinking of going away when H comes back, like a day after. Now, would he react badly - I did ask him to come earlier and now I am going away!!
It's just - this would be the only time I can get away. H has another trip planned mid-august.
I am trying to work on my M but I really, really need to recharge my batteries.
I could go away with D whilst H is away but I want to go to my home country and I cant afford both tickets.
As well, I am always left behind in charge whilst H never assumes the primary caregiver role. This would leave him in my shoes and hopefully give him insights into being me (one can only hope, lol).
Do you think this trip would take me further away from my goals?
There is one other thing I should mention. I would be seeing my friend who happens to be an exboyfriend and is the main reason that my home country is so appealing. H would know this since he knows I am in regular contact with him. So far H has not demonstrated jealousy, which is good as there is nothing to be jealous of.