I wish he would in some way understand that I need reassurance from him - reassurance that he wont see her or be with her. I dont want to have to ask him for this as this then becomes meaningless. At the same time, I dont want to have him reassure me and then go ahead and see her anyway. In this case, I would rather he not say anything and not make any false promises. I guess I understand that any form of reassurance is not possible from H at this point.
How does the trust ever come back? Sure, I could decide that I am going to choose to trust H. And that would be it. But I dont know if that is the 'ostrich burying its head in the sand' route. What is the way to handle to the trust issue? Does anyone have any ideas? Or is this a hurdle I dont need to cross yet? Maybe it is too early?
My mind says that H will look up ow whilst he is there. It would be too tempting and I dont think H will resist this. I would hate for H to tell her 'I love you but I will not leave my wife'. This would be the ultimate betrayal to me. I told H this, this morning. He did not respond to this. He just said that he will not be seeing her. Somehow I dont believe this - and this is where my whole trust thing becomes an issue. Surely I should be able to trust that H will be honest with me at this point. He did, after all say that he wants the M and he would do anything possible to make it work. Yet, if he does see her, I wont be able to know this - but it does take something away from my M. How can I bear this?
It is really difficult. For the most part, I am resigned to the fact that H is leaving and that's that. A small part, a very small part of me, is hurting badly. I have this part firmly under lock and key.
