I wish he would in some way understand that I need reassurance from him - reassurance that he wont see her or be with her. I dont want to have to ask him for this as this then becomes meaningless. At the same time, I dont want to have him reassure me and then go ahead and see her anyway. In this case, I would rather he not say anything and not make any false promises. I guess I understand that any form of reassurance is not possible from H at this point.
How does the trust ever come back? Sure, I could decide that I am going to choose to trust H. And that would be it. But I dont know if that is the 'ostrich burying its head in the sand' route. What is the way to handle to the trust issue? Does anyone have any ideas? Or is this a hurdle I dont need to cross yet? Maybe it is too early?
My mind says that H will look up ow whilst he is there. It would be too tempting and I dont think H will resist this. I would hate for H to tell her 'I love you but I will not leave my wife'. This would be the ultimate betrayal to me. I told H this, this morning. He did not respond to this. He just said that he will not be seeing her. Somehow I dont believe this - and this is where my whole trust thing becomes an issue. Surely I should be able to trust that H will be honest with me at this point. He did, after all say that he wants the M and he would do anything possible to make it work. Yet, if he does see her, I wont be able to know this - but it does take something away from my M. How can I bear this?
It is really difficult. For the most part, I am resigned to the fact that H is leaving and that's that. A small part, a very small part of me, is hurting badly. I have this part firmly under lock and key.
Right, I would like to bounce off a few ideas - so anyone with any response is welcome.
H left yesterday. Over the weekend, I kept expecting him to say let's go out for a meal - or lets do something special this weekend since it was the last weekend together for five weeks. Other than shopping for his family, we did not do much. Monday, he actually made an effort to come home early. However Tuesday, the night before he was to leave, he did not get home until 10.00p.m!!!! I understand he wanted to make sure all was ok at work before he left but this was ridiculous. To top it all, he took D4 in the morning to buy a birthday card for me and he told her that he would bring a cake home that evening and we would celebrate my birthday before he left. D kept asking if it was my birthday and fell asleep waiting for 'papa will bring the cake'. He did not even think to spend time with D!!!!
He then said that his exboss came to visit and she took his time. All I could say was 'I dont even want to hear why you are late. I leave work everyday at 5.00 because I know I have to pick D up. If I am late she is the last one at the nursery and she hates being the last to leave. If you really wanted to leave you could tell exboss that you would love to catch up but need to get home'. He has hidden my birthday gift behind Ds bed. I am sure he thinks this will be sweet, and it is sweet and a little thoughtful, but to me, its linked to his coming late on Tuesday and thus is irritating. We could have had a lovely evening on Tuesday if he had only put us first for a change. We always have to accomodate him - he never tries to accommodate us.
Part of me is angry - he is so thoughtless, doesnt consider me a priority and is simply childlike when it comes to our R. Part of me feels maybe he doesnt realise what this is doing to me.
Okay - I need your thoughts on the above and am I being unreasonable to expect us to do something special before he leaves? (as a family we dont have a social life, and this irritates me.)
He hasnt called yet or emailed me to let me know he's arrived or anything!!!
As I re-read the above, I realised several things - I should not have preached when H came home late. I am working on learning to validate H and this preaching served no purpose. I need to find other ways of communicating my needs to H and I need to stop expecting him to come through. I should maintain an attitude of: communicate my need in a positive way, if H comes through great, if not, find a way to deal with it without preaching or without taking H on a guilt trip. Whilst I have over the last ten days or so, not been able to validate H successfully, I am becoming more aware of occassions when I have invalidated him and of what i could have done better.
He could have chosen to not buy me a gift, or to wrap it or to go to the trouble of hiding it so it is there for me on my birthday. I think I will look at this really positively, disassociate it from his coming home late and appreciate the thought that did go into it rather than focus on the thoughts that could have gone into it.
The other issue is H had booked his return flight on 10th August - this was the original plan when D and I were supposed to go with him so that after his work we would travel to his family's home which is away from the city and spend time with his family. Now, after I decided I did not want to go, he stuck to his original return date. When things between us got better and when he decided to come clean over his A, he said that he would do anything to make our M work. I asked what if I asked him to come back earlier as I did not have a problem with him going for work purposes but I did not understand why he was still there for almost two weeks after. He said that he would come back a week earlier and has changed his flight.
Now, he will come back earlier and things will go back to the same routine - he will come back late from work and basically him coming home earlier will be of no use. I want to get away - I want to go away for a few days.
I was thinking of going away when H comes back, like a day after. Now, would he react badly - I did ask him to come earlier and now I am going away!!
It's just - this would be the only time I can get away. H has another trip planned mid-august.
I am trying to work on my M but I really, really need to recharge my batteries.
I could go away with D whilst H is away but I want to go to my home country and I cant afford both tickets.
As well, I am always left behind in charge whilst H never assumes the primary caregiver role. This would leave him in my shoes and hopefully give him insights into being me (one can only hope, lol).
Do you think this trip would take me further away from my goals?
There is one other thing I should mention. I would be seeing my friend who happens to be an exboyfriend and is the main reason that my home country is so appealing. H would know this since he knows I am in regular contact with him. So far H has not demonstrated jealousy, which is good as there is nothing to be jealous of.
H called yesterday. I need to work out a strategy for dealing with communicating with him.
Keep myself very busy so if he calls/emails, I will have something to talk about and more importantly, if he asks D, then she will also be able to talk about all the things we've been upto. This will send good thoughts about us his way.
On the phone - if he calls speak with a smile. I will ask him about his work and how it is going. But I wont ask about what else he's been upto as I dont want him to feel as if I am checking up on him. The hard part will be acting 'as if' he is telling the truth if I suspect he's not.
Email - keep it short and simple - mirror his writing style.
Thinking about my post yesterday, going away just as he comes back would be thoughtless, selfish and cruel. I think I will not make plans to go away beginning of August. However, I will give it a couple of weeks after he comes back and if he seems to not want to use the time to spend with D and me, then I will take time out to get away for myself. I see this as not relying on him to get my needs met.
H called yesterday. He told me in general terms what he has been upto whilst there and asked about what we've been upto. We talked for 20min. I did not speak with a smile. My face felt frozen. My mind kept saying 'smile, d*mn it' but I just couldn't. I kept wanting to ask 'have you contacted her?' but did not. But i did ask 'is there anything else I should know about'. I meant this to be a breezy, light, end of conversation question. Instead it came out tight and clipped. H pretended not to know what I was asking and this raises alarm bells. Surely, he should be able to re-assure me that he is not seeing her. It has taken a huge leap of faith on my part to not go with him on this trip and to agree to continue working on our M whilst he is there. His ignoring what I was really asking takes me back to the days when he was communicating with ow over the phone and telling me at home that he wanted to work on our M and that he had stopped all contact.
If only H were more honest with me. He has lied all along and this makes trusting him so difficult. Yet without me trusting him, I fear that our M will not make it.
I have also been reading on other threads that of all the people that DB, only a handful actually make it. This is a really scary thought. My M was shaky to begin with, this A has just driven it over the edge and now I am trying to pull the parachute chord, find it is broken and I am hoping for a safe landing. Is this possible?
This weekend is just dragging on - it doesnt help that the weather is so dreary. Ah well, I am taking D to the park in an hour and hopefully that will be good for us.
I am having a hard day trying not to think about whether H has contacted her or not. I even had dreams last night about him finding excuses to go see her. I was doing so well over the weekend not thinking of these things but the dream just let loose all sorts of 'what ifs' in my head.
So I am writing to try to sort myself out of the downward spiral. Because it is a spiral. Giving in to it is detrimental.
So, let's get the focus back to the title of this thread 'changing perspectives'. What does this mean for me?
When I started on this journey, the overwhelming feeling was that of hurt, profound hurt. I dont think I'll ever forget those first couple of months. Luckily I found this board during the third month.
This is what I started with: I think there was a strong part of me that wanted to lay blame and say 'there this was what you did' and 'this is what I did'. Guilt for the part I played. Bewilderment that the person who was to protect me had hurt me in this way. Hatred for the betrayal. Beating my head against the wall(metaphorical) separating H and me. Feelings of 'why me?'.
I think over time I began to center my thoughts and feelings. I began to understand that I need to work on myself first and foremost. I began to understand what my goals are in terms of my life and my M. I needed to take charge of my life.
The A: Hs feelings for ow were not aimed at hurting me. Hs feelings for ow are a separate entity from his feelings for me. H is a person, some good, some needing improvement - but above all, he is human, not superhuman. There is nothing I could have done to prevent the A. The A was Hs choice and says more about him than it does about me. The A gave H whatever was missing for him from our M.
Our M: H and I are opposites in temperament and character. H and I used to share similarities to a large extent regarding our professions and our theoretical frameworks. I am beginning to suspect H and I had different expectations out of life and our M. H and I communicate really well regarding our professional lives but not our personal lives. H and I dont meet each other's emotional needs. H is a good person and so am I.
Me: I have always avoided being the focus or centre of anything. I have always tried to hide. I am me, however, and I like me. I dont think I would be happier being anybody else. Sure there are things I could improve but for the most part, I am doing ok. Through this whole experience I've learned how strong I can be. (I have also been able to see H as slightly immature and this comes as a major shock. Since I've met H, he has always been like a demi-God to me. This realisation that he is not and is just human like me and that there are areas where he needs improvement as well is weirdly uplifting.) I have come a long way.
What I have learned: Life is short, precious, to be enjoyed. Anger is one letter away from danger. Valuing people is the most important thing in life. There is so much grey in the world - nothing is black or white. I had a tendency to think in absolutes, but this new perspective is liberating. I need to enjoy life much more and stop taking things so seriously. Nothing in life is guaranteed except that there are no guarantees. Change is good. However, I cannot change H. I can only change myself. The serenity prayer is what fits here but I cant remember it exactly. I will be ok, with or without H.
Specifics: H being away in ow's country is bothering me. But what can I do about it. Nothing. If he is seeing her, then I have to trust in God that this will become known to me and then I can move on. Even if it does not become known to me, Hs actions when he gets back will help me determine if this M is something I can live with, be happy with. The focus has needed to change to
what I can do to be happy, not what H can do to make me happy. What am I vs what is H like, what do I want from the M vs what can H give me in the M, what can I do to make this M work how can i make my life work for me vs why isnt my life working
See, I feel better already, having taken written pages and pages on this board.
I felt okay for the rest of the day after writing my previous post but it is now 1.30a.m. and I am feeling really down. I have to get to work tomorrow but I cant get to sleep.
Part of me knows it's temporal and that it's a combination of things going on. But it still hurts and I hate this whole situation. It just sucks!
Anyone out there, do you have a joke or something - anything to get me out of this mood? It's not even that H is there with ow. I think it is more that I dont have anyone in my life giving me emotional support and I havent had in a long time. And whilst I was busy making do without any emotional support and busy keeping our family going, H was busy getting tons of emotional support from ow.
So please anyone with anything to get me out of this slump?Please dont ignore this post.
I loved your happy place - I was just reading your thread. If you substitute Ewan McGregor for George Clooney or Andy Garcia that would be a really happy place for me.
Quote: why don't you tell us stuff that makes you happy... completely unrelated to H or OW or M or A or any other letter!
Raindrops on roses, whiskers on kittens, girls in white satin sashes, brown paper packages tied up in string ... these are a few of my favourite things. - Sound of Music.
Great idea, 'Maria'
what makes me happy: Flowers, books, music, a rainy day, coffee with friends, a puppy, popcorn at the movies .... oh and Haagen Daaz 'belgian chocolate' icecream.
If I had the money, I'd be on the first flight out of here and head off on a world tour.
Think about a little puppy nibbling at your nose. (Dogs are definately one of my favorite things) Everytime I pick up a puppy and hold it up to eye level, I get a puppy bite on the nose.
I wish I could think of a funny story or joke to tell you -- my brain's not functioning too well right now.
Just know that your not alone. There are people out here that do care. TJ
