Well, this has been a difficult weekend in many ways:

    This is the last weekend I had to spend with H before he leaves on his trip. He leaves on Wednesday.

    It was ow's birthday yesterday.


However, H has really been putting in effort - he has been trying to understand my perspective and that, in turn, makes me feel more positive towards him.

However, I feel that although, H is somewhat committed to this M, H is not 'in love' with me and may still be 'in love' with ow. This means that I need to start doing things to 'deposit in his love bank'. The problem is I am no longer sure what this would look like.

The other problem is that H will be away for 5 weeks in ow's country and with no restriction on his time or anything, these five weeks are going to be really difficult on my nerves.
But in a sense, it may be good because it may finally get H to make his choice and if he decides that she is really what he wants, it will enable all of us to get on with our lives.

This is the part about myself that I find somewhat difficult to accept. I always thought that if I was in such a situation, I would never hang around, I would just leave and not wait for a man to choose me. I always thought waiting for a man to choose or reject me would be weakness. It should be up to me to choose or not.
Now, however, I am here, and part of me understands that I am choosing to work on my M and that I am choosing to love H, in spite of his mistake and accepting that he was weak for a while and loving him enough to give him space and time to make his mind up.

But, part of me despises myself for being so weak. As i read this, I realise that this is not the case. It would have been easier to let go - it is much more difficult to choose to improve myself and my M.

I guess, as the day that H leaves comes closer, I am feeling all sorts of things which are just hard to define.

It is also my birthday soon and H wont be here. Part of me hoped that he would celebrate my birthday before he left but I suppose he wont even remember it. It will be really difficult for me if he does not even wish me or send me an e-card. Ah well!!