Quote: MrsNOP, I guess my honest answer is that I'm not willing to do this, and I wouldn't enjoy it that way. If a guy who's doing his part to be a good dad and a good husband and a great provider can't expect his wife to "enthusiastically respond to me," then what the hell is the point?
I thought the point was to work toward getting something resembling a good marriage back.
NOP could and would have said everything you wrote above.
But that wasn't the whole story, was it?
It *was* the story to the best of his knowledge and understanding.
But it wasn't accurate.
As I pointed out, when we started this process he didn't get enthusiastic responses from me - begrudging, cold, and defensive would be better descriptors. If he had stopped right then because he wasn't getting an "enthusiastic response" then we would still be limping along, or divorced. And if he had chosen to get offended permanently to the occasional trip-ups and fallbacks that always, always occur - then the results would have been the same - ongoing damaged relationship or divorce.
You can sit in the corner holding on to your viewpoint, and your rights, and your entitlement and you may very well be justified in doing so.
But no amount of wanting to understand your wife's thought process is going to get anything moving. I reached a point where I didn't really have any thought process, all I had were reactions. If NOP did X, then my reaction was Y. I didn't even have to think about it anymore.
Even if you knew every thought your wife had, it still wouldn't change the fact that someone has to step forward and continue to step forward.
BTW, no judgement from me on being tired of working on things. I just don't think it's realistic to expect that your wife is going to respond in enthusiasm to much of anything when the distance is so far between you. Your relationship is disfunctional (as was mine). While you may be operating with normal responses in some areas, in others I would hazard a guess that you are disfunctional. Your wife is disfunctional as well. Somehow the disfunction has to be identified, discussed and then like any disability, rehab has to start, with all the grunts, sweat and tears that rehab entails.
I know you tried to get your wife to go to therapy with you and she refused because she didn't want anyone telling her she was crazy. I strongly suggest that you find a counselor, invite your wife and when she says "no" - then go yourself. She can then be concerned that you are telling someone else how crazy she is. That might be negative incentive, but it might be enough to get her off her butt and into counselling with you.
Someone needs to bump out of the relational rut the both of you are traveling.
You have written in the past that you had an aha! moment and realized that you were immature. I think that expecting (considering the damaged relationship you are in) that your wife would respond to your overtures with enthusiasm is also a sign of immaturity - the inability to actively work toward something without getting an immediate reward or positive feedback. Perhaps something to ponder.
