H and I used to ML a lot more frequently than we do now. I had chalked up the frequency to my health problems but I do wonder if it is due to me being heavier (even if it is only 5 lbs, that makes a difference in how I look) so I asked H.
He said my weight is not an issue with him but that he didn't remember ML at the frequency I was stating! I know we've gone over this before..the LD partner not having the same 'sexual memory', but this surprised me nonetheless. Back in those days, we frequently ML every day. This was 2 years ago so it's not like I am bringing up something that is ancient history. I said, H I can't believe you don't remember that! I then asked what was different then because he surely would NOT be interested in such a frequency these days. He said that he didn't know, it wasn't my weight, and that he supposed that I was more aggressive then.
This last part is true. I think I had the driven excitedness of a person who thinks that the dilemma is solvable. Now I realize that this dilemma is not solvable but it is possible to come to a point that both people can live with the results.
The problem is, I suppose, that being able to live with the results is not all that sexually exciting to me. So I find myself in a ho-hum frame of mind some days. I am not always trying to entice or seduce him because I have learned that this works only about 50% of the time and those odds are not good enough to keep me motivated. I fear that I am losing desire for HIM, though not desire for sex. Maybe I'm not but the excitement has clearly worn off for the both of us.
I worry that MrH's relatively intense desire of that period was due to the fact that I had one foot out the door, ala Mr Wilson's desire. Now that he is confident of my love, his desire is slipping back to his stated preference. All along he maintained that his preference was 1-2 times per week and yet we routinely ML twice that much, every week. This always confused me but I assumed that the extras were "for me".
I have chalked the frequency decrease up to my health problems, his job stress, etc, and I do believe that's a lot of it but it's not like he wants it more frequently and is too stressed to do it, or too worried about me. He is not even aware that the frequency was ever that high.
Weird.
And like I said, my hot-to-trotness has cooled considerably as I have realized that my H is just not ever going to be droolin over me. It just is NOT going to happen. And, yet, I'm a woman, kwim. I am not comfortable in the aggressor role and I do not intend to take the helms forever. I am just about finished with that job. He senses this pulling back and the frequency drops as a result.
I hope this is not coming across as too melancholy. That is not my frame of mind at all. I am resigned to the sex life I lead now and it's okay. As long as things stay the way they are now, I will not ever be fulfilled but neither will I feel like putting my walkin boots on. Overall I love him very much. I do feel somewhat that the Great Sex Experiment was a failure but it has brought us MUCH closer so I will concentrate on that aspect, cause that's ultimately what it's all about.
Thanks for listening as I processed all the thoughts from this last convo!
