Quote: Yes he was sexually aggressive. Up to and until he started getting super involved with church. Then he mentally checked out of our marriage and his desire went with it.
I have this picture in my mind of you and H (before you were married) sitting on the sofa watching TV or something and you waiting for him to make a move and wanting him to but he never would, so you did. Does that sound like you, or am I thinking of someone else?
Things sure are clicking for you. It must to be great to be free of that nagging feeling that it has to be something about you that is causing your H's LD.
Wish we were nieghbors! We could sit for each other every other weekend so we could have date nites twice a month! We haven't had a date in years, as a matter of fact our last time alone was for our 5th anniversary.
Quote: And, what's the deal with a person who can drive backwards up a down ramp, but can't reach for his wife?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Maybe this is one of the ways Mr.HPs reaches for you?
I don't mind the sun sometime
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and Sugar
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through someone elses eyes
BHS-"Pepper"
Hi Cine, Yeah he's definitely "reaching" for me, in those moments. And I recognize it as such now, and at the time too.
What I don't see is SEXUAL desire. There is no way to spin him driving backwards up a ramp as sexual desire, kwim?
However, it was quite funny. Several people followed suit when they saw him doing it and one guy even turned his car around so that he was driving the wrong way! I'm sure the people on the overpass wondered what was going on, lol. Until they got a load of the hwy being shut down, that is.
H and I used to ML a lot more frequently than we do now. I had chalked up the frequency to my health problems but I do wonder if it is due to me being heavier (even if it is only 5 lbs, that makes a difference in how I look) so I asked H.
He said my weight is not an issue with him but that he didn't remember ML at the frequency I was stating! I know we've gone over this before..the LD partner not having the same 'sexual memory', but this surprised me nonetheless. Back in those days, we frequently ML every day. This was 2 years ago so it's not like I am bringing up something that is ancient history. I said, H I can't believe you don't remember that! I then asked what was different then because he surely would NOT be interested in such a frequency these days. He said that he didn't know, it wasn't my weight, and that he supposed that I was more aggressive then.
This last part is true. I think I had the driven excitedness of a person who thinks that the dilemma is solvable. Now I realize that this dilemma is not solvable but it is possible to come to a point that both people can live with the results.
The problem is, I suppose, that being able to live with the results is not all that sexually exciting to me. So I find myself in a ho-hum frame of mind some days. I am not always trying to entice or seduce him because I have learned that this works only about 50% of the time and those odds are not good enough to keep me motivated. I fear that I am losing desire for HIM, though not desire for sex. Maybe I'm not but the excitement has clearly worn off for the both of us.
I worry that MrH's relatively intense desire of that period was due to the fact that I had one foot out the door, ala Mr Wilson's desire. Now that he is confident of my love, his desire is slipping back to his stated preference. All along he maintained that his preference was 1-2 times per week and yet we routinely ML twice that much, every week. This always confused me but I assumed that the extras were "for me".
I have chalked the frequency decrease up to my health problems, his job stress, etc, and I do believe that's a lot of it but it's not like he wants it more frequently and is too stressed to do it, or too worried about me. He is not even aware that the frequency was ever that high.
Weird.
And like I said, my hot-to-trotness has cooled considerably as I have realized that my H is just not ever going to be droolin over me. It just is NOT going to happen. And, yet, I'm a woman, kwim. I am not comfortable in the aggressor role and I do not intend to take the helms forever. I am just about finished with that job. He senses this pulling back and the frequency drops as a result.
I hope this is not coming across as too melancholy. That is not my frame of mind at all. I am resigned to the sex life I lead now and it's okay. As long as things stay the way they are now, I will not ever be fulfilled but neither will I feel like putting my walkin boots on. Overall I love him very much. I do feel somewhat that the Great Sex Experiment was a failure but it has brought us MUCH closer so I will concentrate on that aspect, cause that's ultimately what it's all about.
Thanks for listening as I processed all the thoughts from this last convo!
Hi HP... I am pretty much at the same place you are. My energy and enthusiasm over this marital project has dimmed, but I am not in a sad, resigned place; it's more like I feel realistic and accepting. We've gone from an awful sex life throughout most of the marriage to a stable, good one, so I put that in the success column. I've gotten back my individual sensuality and can see more clearly why it disappeared in the first place. I do feel a personal responsibility to keep that going, and I have learned a lot about marital responsibility. Our relationship can only move forward now if my H shows interest, on his own, to grow sexually. He gets what I like now, an assertive approach, and I am so happy to have figured this out and communicate this to him. He has responded, in kind, to the degree that he wants to, which seems to be, " I'll do what I can to keep her happy and not leave, but that's all I need to do."
We are excited for my daughter to come home on Saturday....we've been talking a lot about her ( her letters still reflect her rebelling against the fun she could be having in a passive-resistance way). My H really does see this trait in himself...has talked about his 2 gf's before me who dumped him bc he was so ambivalent. With me, the stakes are higher, and it's given him the motivation to make this work, but I can't continually be in a position to do the heavy PM/setting boundaries type stuff. My work now will be focused on maintaining what we have, which is far better than getting exhausted and burning out.
Well, I went on and on about me...just wanted to let you know I can relate to what you said in your post. I am going to continue journaling on this BB.
RE: HP I have chalked the frequency decrease up to my health problems,.....or too worried about me I think the above modified version is the closest to the truth.
HP this is how it would work with me if I were your H or you were my W. It is how it is working with BB and me.
The fact that you have medical issues and pain has to be a major turn off for a caring guy. I would not want to physical cause pain to my lover. I realise it's a double issue with you. You want to ML but don't like the pain and limited penetration. I think Mr HP sees this.
The rest does play a part in a his drive to ML to you so I am not discounting it but will say the physical part is something hopefully that can be fixed. Worry about the rest less for now.
And, what's the deal with a person who can drive backwards up a down ramp, but can't reach for his wife?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? hehe....it wasn't personal, yet his proclaimation not to spend YOUR 4 hrs in a traffic jam was..
Hugs, congrats!
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
Our histories are different, but you’ve still pretty much described my current state of mind. Our SL is still a long way from what I would really like, but it’s much, much better than it has ever been before. Like you, we’re now at the point that I honestly don’t think there can be much more improvement until if and when W shows interest on her own to grow sexually. Things have improved dramatically, but like your H, she seems to picked things up to the point that she feels she is doing enough to keep me reasonably happy and keep me from constantly initiating R talks. But that’s all. And that appears to be all she is interested in.
