We have not been alone since August 2004, on our last date.
It was a nice time. At one point, we got on a ramp to merge onto the highway. Halfway down the ramp, we saw the hugest traffic jam--a wreck up ahead somewhere. We proceeded down the ramp, cursing our bad luck. Finally my H throws it in reverse and backs up the entire ramp, all the way up to the overpass. I was good-naturedly shrieking, I can't believe you're doing this!! and he replied, This is the first time I've been alone with my wife in a year--I'll be damned if I spend the 4 hours on the highway!
At one point, we were doing a little shopping and looking for a picture for our newly-finished (well almost finished) basement. I walked along the aisles saying, I like this one, do you like it? He would invariably say yes. I noticed that he was not pointing out anything that he liked, only agreeing that my pictures were nice. I even said Show me one that you like and he pointed to one that I had just said I liked.
This communication pattern has wreaked a lot of havoc in our lives, over the years. I am aware now, and always have been, that he has a hard time saying I want this or I like this. When he DOES say this, I nearly 100% of the time say, Okay!! because I'm so glad not to be runnin the ship all by my lonesome.
Therefore, we've gone on trips (most notably our honeymoon) that I knew were not good ideas but didn't want to "squash" his one time of speaking out. I've agreed to decorations in our home I don't like. Etc etc.
It's not that I think I should only have or see things that *I* like, it's that I wish we were able to discuss things without him feeling like I'm trampling all over him.
In a perfect world, he'd say I like this picture. I'd reply, I like the boat but I don't like the colors..can we look for one that has a boat but is not so gloomy? He might say back, No the gloominess is what I like. Or, Sure that sounds like a plan. Whatever!
Anyway, as we were walking thru the picture aisles, I felt an overwhelming love for him. First of all, because we were alone and this happens rarely. I realized that someday when our kids are older, H and I will have a much easier time of tackling any R problems. We both benefit from copious amounts of quality time. Secondly, I realized that his sexual style (don't say he desires me, wait until I start it and then say he likes it too) is the same way he approaches everything! I think I personalize it far too much. (yeah yeah, I know you folks are knocking your heads into your monitors and saying, are ya JUST now getting this honey?!) He would still benefit from ditching this style of communication but....it's not about me. It's not about him desiring me or not desiring me. Well it is, he's clearly the LD partner of us, but we have negotiated our way around that lil problem--it's the showing of the desire that we can't get any resolution on.
But it is easier for me to deal with this when I put it in context of the rest of him, kwim? He is like this in so many other ways.
I wish I knew how to teach a person to be assertive. Ah but that is the control-er coming out in me.
And, what's the deal with a person who can drive backwards up a down ramp, but can't reach for his wife?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
