I am no longer the person that I once was. It is bizarre. I'm not necessarily LD but I'm not hot to trot all the freakin time, like I was.
My pattern used to go like this: desire-arousal-sex. Now it is more like: pain-intense arousal until I forget the pain-desire-sex.
My LDH is in the curious position of knowing that I want and need him to sexually pursue me, while knowing that he is GOING to hurt me at some point in the process. I feel sorry for him. And for myself, lol.
Tomorrow I go to another doctor, a urologist this time, and will rule that out before going back to the OB. If OB does not have some fabulous suggestion or advice, I'm going to request my records and begin looking for someone else. I simply cannot live my life like this.
That is Part One of the honey improvement process. Part Two is to lose the final 10 lbs that I have never lost since BabyPot was born. I've been talking about it for a while but I have a new seriousness about it. Though I'm within 5-10 lbs (I'm actually not sure, as I don't get on the scale that much) of my goal weight but my body looks strange. My abdomen sticks out farther than what it should. Evidently that is one of the pleasant side effects of endometriosis--swelling from pockets of fluid that are inside your body. I know for a fact that the fluid is there, because it's on ultrasound so it stands to reason that this is what's causing the distended belly. H acts like he can't see it, but if I can see it, I'm sure he can, too.
All of this--the pain and the belly pooch--has caused me to not see myself the same way, which in turn affects how I act. When TAG called me sexy on this thread, I had a "what? who, me?" reaction. I no longer identify myself as a sexual person. This is about 75% due to the physical changes which have fcuking destroyed my body since the baby was born, and 25% due to the fact that I don't have a husband who actively desires me. Passive desire is nice and I do appreciate it, but it is not enough to make one identify themselves as being sexy or effective at trying to be sexy.
So my upcoming goals are to get healthy in body, both in pinpointing and treating my pelvic pain, and in losing any extra weight that might be exacerbating the endo belly pooch.
Hopefully these will shift me back towards a way of life wherein I look and feel sexy on a daily basis, and not just during the moments when enough arousal has taken place that I temporarily forget the rest.
