Quote: I think the issues is closer to what Honey describes... he just wants to control himself. Maybe he thinks that if he gets to Doing It and Liking It a lot, somehow he'll be in my power. Maybe this ties in with his refusal to do ANYTHING on my schedule unless he thought of it first. OIW a huge control issue.
I'm back to this theory again too. Probably because my H told me that the problem is that most women "bend" easier than me. I was also thinking about an occasion when we were lying in bed together and I was crying because he had rejected my advances and he said to himself "I can't let you guilt me into doing it.". WTF??
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: I was crying because he had rejected my advances and he said to himself "I can't let you guilt me into doing it.". WTF??
This sounds perilously close to my W's statement when I used to sigh or otherwise exhibit frustration after a thwarted attempt to initiate: "I won't want to make love until you are comfortable with me saying 'no'."
Ditto to HD and JJ- Last night when I was really getting frustrated over his NOT calling the therapist when he has said it's something he wanted to do and will do, just not on MY schedule... this big Laht Bub (as we say in the South) appeared over my head and I realized that in his mind, the fact that I want him to do something is a necessary and sufficient condition for him NOT to do it, even if it's something he was planning on doing anyway!
What kind of a R is it when party A cannot ask for something because that is the one way to ensure that party B will not do it?
But cosmically speaking this does tie in perfectly with an insight I had with a therapist on my own several months ago where I realized that as a small child, I made the decision not to ask for things because I realized that when my parents found out I wanted something, then that thing immediately went on the Not for Christmas list. This is really interesting... I had this same feeling with my first husband in my early 20's... as soon as he determined that something was important to me, he'd be dammed sure that was one thing he would not do or value. This doesn't apply across the board, even now, because there are clearly many areas my bf and I agree on. But there are some pretty important things that are red-hot with respect to this topic. Must ponder...
Journal: Last night was our scheduled sex night. I was reading the paper and H was watching tv when he suddenly shut it off and said, Let's go ML. I said, The way you said that made it sound like it was the last chore to do before you get to go to sleep. (not in a pissy tone, just a Come on H, you can do better than that tone) He said, Welllll it IS getting late and we did agree to do it tonight. I replied, You are not exactly making me weak in the knees ya know.. By then we were standing and hugging and kissing and he started to get aroused. This got me curious and I (dumb, I know) said, How come you want to ML tonight but not last night? Last night, you were turned on same as you are now, but you were not interested..? He replied that it was too late. I wanted to say, Well maybe it is time to start paying attention to your body and its flickers and feelings of desire and not so much the clock and the "right time"...but I didn't. I was trying not to ruin the mood, but he just got things off on a bad foot with the "let's get this over with" declaration.
So I went off to take a shower and jokingly offered to get him toothpicks to hold his eyeballs open while I was cleaning up. I came out of the shower and he was nowhere to be found. I finally figured out he went down to our basement to do a little spackling. I was feelin ballsy so I waltzed down there bare ass naked and invited him to finish what he started. Somewhere along the way, resentment overtook me. I started thinking, Dammit he just suggested this..why does he have to start that and demonstrate to me that he's doing his duty, and is really in the mood to work on the basement? And, furthermore, how come it was too late to ML last night but it's not too late to spackle TONIGHT?
So it took me forever to get aroused and into the whole deal and I nearly did not finish. Today I feel better but I did point out to him, at some point, that I'd love to see him HORNY for me. Not just willing to keep his end of the scheduled bargain but HORNY. He hemmed and hawed and didn't know how to answer that. I don't know what kind of answer I was expecting or what is even realistic.
I can't help but feel, though, that if he can show unbridled enthusiasm about spackling holes in the basement, then he can drum some up for his naked wife!
However, I do want to say that we are having a good day. I had to get that off my chest so that I was not still pissy about it tonight.
Oh gawd, HP, your story made me soooo hot. Especially the part about spackling the basement. Can you tell me, does your H use a Red Devil 3" flexible putty knife? If so, could you post a picture? Dang, it's been so long since I've even touched my putty knife, and, regrettably, it's only a 2-incher. And, even more regrettably, it's a Sherwin-Williams bargain bucket special. I know, how is Ms. H-dog supposed to get aroused with that kind of tool on my belt? Well, wouldn't you know it, she's more of a "just put a picture over it and hide the darn hole" kind of person, anyway. The last time she had her hands on a bucket of spackle, she thought it was joint compound, for cryin' out loud.
Quote: I came out of the shower and he was nowhere to be found. I finally figured out he went down to our basement to do a little spackling.
Don't you think this is just avoidant behavior? You said earlier that fear and anxiety over sex are big probs for him. I couldn't say for sure, but maybe he does want you, is attracted to you. But his anxiety is a bigger monster that gets in the way and scares him off.
SM
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
Honest to goodness, SM? I think he just thought, Well there's nothing on the tube, I don't have a book to read, she's getting in the shower, hey I know! I'll go get a little work done.
Which I really don't care about. I just get filled with resentment over the idea that he can and will work certain things into his schedule but that does not extend to his wife. The thinking is that I will always be here; the other stuff will not. He can put me off and put me off because, shoot, 10 years from now he'll still be married to me.
He has admitted countless times to taking me for granted but he still does it. And here I am perpetuating that cycle by always being available!
His avoidant behavior, btw, comes about when we are in bed and snuggling together. He will either drift off to sleep, or pussyfoot around, sortof caressing the bits, sortof not, confusing me as to what his motives are. He hates going for what he wants--he said that last night. I said, So you want me to do all the work for you and you sit back and enjoy it? He said, Yes!!
HP I have to agree with SolidMechanic here, anxiety is his monster which shows up as avoiding. Your description of H spackeling and SM's post about anxiety hit a nerve in me somehow, but that is just me.
I finally figured out he went down to our basement to do a little spackling. Next time you can ask Mr HP if you needed any spackelling somewhere, but tell him he has to lick it off to get to the good stuff?
Apropo of nothing: During my Mrs.Fixit phase of renovating my ancient house, I learned that spackling is one home improvement chore that women are naturally better at then men due to more swivel in the wrist. The swively female wrist is why a wrist held limply is a symbol for homosexuality in men and IMO the stationary male wrist is why lumberjacks are so sexy when they wield their axes.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Probably because my H told me that the problem is that most women "bend" easier than me. 
