I know you have followed my saga from post #1 and have heard all the reasons why I became LD, but the one reason that really was the nail in the coffin was when being LD became a part of how I viewed myself; it became part of my identity and I didn't have a problem with it. Yes, there were hurts/resentments that lowered my desire; and yes, my communication with H sucked; and yes, H was very defensive as well, but all of these issues could have been resolved somewhat easily. Instead, they set the stage for the most important cause of my LD--- my perspective of myself changed. I didn't want to see myself as sexual...I felt I was past that and onto a higher way of being( this was after I had kids and was fused in the mom role). ZB posted something about this kind of attitude with his W...she isn't invested in being a sexual person, and she may prefer seeing herself as non-sexy.
Anyway, I am saying all this because I'm thinking your H struggles with being sexual as a part of his being. He can get all revved up with you but then recognizes that he is now this sexy man and it freaks him out, so he shuts down. He knows you are not going to reject him; what he is doing is rejecting the sexual part of himself, and this ends up feeling like you are rejected. It's really not performance anxiety...it's identity anxiety.
I am trying to think of an analogy...let's say H was once a good swimmer, but over the yrs he noticed that the swimmers at the beach were a roudy, young, immature bunch. He remembers how much he enjoyed his swimming days, and may still want to jump in the water with you, but if he does this,it conflicts with his self image . He views temptation( perfect water temperature, your new sexy swimsuit, the sunniest day) as something he has to try to resist, or else he'll be one of those swimmers. Underneath, he knows swimming is healthy and a great way to spend some QT with you, and he loves you and knows how much you love to swim, but he's still uncomfortable with the whole image.
Just trying to help you understand the LD mind a bit, and I do believe your H is getting there. Keep up the good work of lovingly confronting his attitude and not personalizing the rejection.
