He is definitely scared of something. I would suggest that he still needs some therapy, either sex or a regular therapists. There is something in him that is blocking his way, and I don't think that coming to you everytime he is scared is going to get rid of that demon for him. Is it performance anxiety? Is he intimidated by you? Is it the way he was raised? There is a roadblock in there somewhere. You are making progress to now know that it is about being scared. The question is why is he scared when he has a sure thing. Your not going to reject him. He could be one of us guys where rejection is a way of life.
Thanks for the advice. I can't see him ever agreeing to therapy but I will bring it up anyway.
The fear he has is that I don't want to ML. That he is forcing himself on me. I don't get this, but I will say that this is in keeping with the rest of his personality. He is unfailingly polite.
I'm wondering if reformed LD people like MrsNOP ever really get past this, or if they just become more accomodating..?
I read an article by a sex therapist that said that HD women have a tougher time of things because the LD man cannot just "do it" in the way the ladies can. Their desire and arousal have to be present, obviously.
Well, to answer your question I don't think it is performance anxiety, he was raised dysfunctionally (sexually speaking, and probably other ways too), and I honestly don't know if he is intimidated by me. Most ways, I'd say no but sexually--perhaps. I'll ask. Good food for thought.
I don't understand LD/ED guys! Why can't they just snuggle really affectionately and based on your passion or lack make their advance contunue or cool off at that point. Sigh really big sigh!
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
Quote: I don't understand LD/ED guys! Why can't they just snuggle really affectionately and based on your passion or lack make their advance contunue or cool off at that point. Sigh really big sigh!
My bf and I had an angry conversation about this Monday. This is the way I think it is for him (and possibly for other guys who suffer from recurring ED): The ED makes him feel absolutely repulsive, undesirable, unattractive.
I think it is similar to the way some of the wives on this board (wives of the guys who post) who are overweight and can't believe their husbands would want to ML with them. They just feel so unattractive, gross, disgusting... they do not want to be reminded of their unattractive bodies by having a sexual encounter. I'm not talking about a woman who is 10, 20, or even 30 pounds overweight. I mean someone who was ~120 in college and now weighs way over 200. Whose belly hangs down over a crease... who can't even get into her fat clothes any more... THAT'S the way my bf feels about himself when he experiences ED.
The husband of an obese woman can say, "Honey, it's YOU I love... I want to express my love for YOU," but she feels that her body is so repulsive, she cannot accept his words. When I said to my bf, "The E doesn't have to be the centerpiece of the ML session," he replied as though I had totally disregarded his feelings and didn't care a bit about how upset the ED makes him. Just as the obese woman might reply, "You don't understand! I can't let you see me looking like this! I'm so disgusted with my body-- no one could want to ML to me."
I know you have followed my saga from post #1 and have heard all the reasons why I became LD, but the one reason that really was the nail in the coffin was when being LD became a part of how I viewed myself; it became part of my identity and I didn't have a problem with it. Yes, there were hurts/resentments that lowered my desire; and yes, my communication with H sucked; and yes, H was very defensive as well, but all of these issues could have been resolved somewhat easily. Instead, they set the stage for the most important cause of my LD--- my perspective of myself changed. I didn't want to see myself as sexual...I felt I was past that and onto a higher way of being( this was after I had kids and was fused in the mom role). ZB posted something about this kind of attitude with his W...she isn't invested in being a sexual person, and she may prefer seeing herself as non-sexy.
Anyway, I am saying all this because I'm thinking your H struggles with being sexual as a part of his being. He can get all revved up with you but then recognizes that he is now this sexy man and it freaks him out, so he shuts down. He knows you are not going to reject him; what he is doing is rejecting the sexual part of himself, and this ends up feeling like you are rejected. It's really not performance anxiety...it's identity anxiety.
I am trying to think of an analogy...let's say H was once a good swimmer, but over the yrs he noticed that the swimmers at the beach were a roudy, young, immature bunch. He remembers how much he enjoyed his swimming days, and may still want to jump in the water with you, but if he does this,it conflicts with his self image . He views temptation( perfect water temperature, your new sexy swimsuit, the sunniest day) as something he has to try to resist, or else he'll be one of those swimmers. Underneath, he knows swimming is healthy and a great way to spend some QT with you, and he loves you and knows how much you love to swim, but he's still uncomfortable with the whole image.
Just trying to help you understand the LD mind a bit, and I do believe your H is getting there. Keep up the good work of lovingly confronting his attitude and not personalizing the rejection.
Quote: the one reason that really was the nail in the coffin was when being LD became a part of how I viewed myself; it became part of my identity and I didn't have a problem with it.
IMO this is why disclosure is a useful tool in dealing with LD. For instance, would you have been able to maintain your positive LD self-image if you thought it was possible that your H was going around telling everyone you knew that you hadn't had sex in a year? I mean you might have thought he was an *ss for doing this but it probably would have activated some little switch in your brain that would make you admit that your sich wasn't exactly "normal" or at least indicative of a good, healthy marriage. This is why I think I "freaked out" my Type4 LD friend the other day when I told her I was HD. She was looking for support for her LD and I gave her kind of the opposite, though in a nice way.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Identity anxiety. What an interesting concept. It really fits him, too.
He most certainly, absolutely, positively DOES NOT identify himself as a sexy person. Or a person who likes sex enough to actively seek it out. Or a person who would need it badly enough to "bother" someone for it. Or a person who likes all the nitty gritty, down and dirty aspects of it. Do ya get where I'm going with this?
It's almost like he separates himself from his sexuality. He likes it when it happens but he prefers it boxed off somewhere far away, to be taken out when the need arises.
The problem with this type of thinking is that if it's boxed away somewhere, the onus is completely on the other person to say, Hey get that box out! so you can play with it. He boxes his sexuality away and then is confused as to why it's not at the forefront of his mind.
Journey, What else can ya tell me, my sister? How did you climb out of this type of thinking? And I have to tell you that I find your whole trip amazing.
You've just described MrsBube. She doesn't think of herself as a sexy or sexual person.
Quote: It's almost like he separates himself from his sexuality. He likes it when it happens but he prefers it boxed off somewhere far away, to be taken out when the need arises.
That sums it up very well. That's more of why I think there's a vibrantly sexy woman in there somewhere: when she gets it out of the box, she seems to really enjoy it. I'm just trying to figure out how to change that mindset. I want her to see that her sexuality isn't something to be boxed up and stored on the top shelf in the closet until it's needed.
