NOP, You have spoken here that your great issue in your marriage was anger.
What steps did you take to eliminate it? Did you read any useful books? Care to make any recommendations?
Anger is one of my many wonderful traits as well. For the most part, I have conquered this. And MrHP would heartily agree with this as well. But I still feel those twinges sometimes where I think I'm gonna blow.
MrHP complimented me last night on how well I am holding my tongue with regards to Jackass, his big boss. I am not making any snide comments (aside from the above nickname, which I mean in an endearing way...I really do LOL), or ranting and raving at the injustice, or prodding MrHP to do or say things for the sake of vengeance. I'm staying out of it and praying for this man.
Also, did you get a handle on your anger before the daily sex? You know that we folks on the bb who are not entirely sexually satisfied are gonna say, Well yeah he can get a handle on his anger--he's having sex every day!
As you know, I recently went on a vacation with my mother, my aunt, 2 of my 4 sisters and a cousin. My mom's temper is identical to mine. While we were there, she had a blowup. My aunt and cousin were freakin out, but my sisters and I were just standing there saying, doh there goes Mom again. She was 100% in the right for being peeved off, but the...intensity of her anger was a bit over the top. Like me, she takes forever to get mad but forever to cool down, too. Our other relatives thought she was under too much job stress or something, lol, and we sisters were cracking up saying, Naw she's always been like this.
When we got back to the hotel, my sisters and I grabbed a bottle of wine and went to the beach and drank it and reminisced about Mom and her temper. But not without me silently thinking to myself, Is this what MY daughters are going to do someday?
So, NOP, I'm interested in what you have found out about managing your temper and books or articles that you found helpful.
If you would also NOP.....One thing I have noticed after trying to become a kinder, gentler, Andy is that I really do not like being around angry, critical people, including my mother. Did you have any issues with this?, or have any words of wisdom? Thanks
God is love, love is blind, Ray Charles is blind......so there.
HP just wanted to chime in and say I find myself the same way with anger. But for me I think I get it from my dad. LOL
That is what has set me back a lot with this SSM. I haven't been able to keep my lip zipped often enough. I have said what I felt and said it often. And more times out of any it was done with anger.
Quote: HP just wanted to chime in and say I find myself the same way with anger. But for me I think I get it from my dad.
It's not so much as inheriting anything, but growing up with this behavior and getting it in your head that it is normal.
Quote: I haven't been able to keep my lip zipped often enough. I have said what I felt and said it often. And more times out of any it was done with anger.
Remember, Cally, you catch more flies with honey than sulfuric acid. Yes I know the Biblical phrase was vinegar. The problem is that so many women I've known use (metaphorically) strong acid to catch flies--vinegar would be a step in the right direction.
To bet back to HP's query: good ol' Amazon has a lot of selection for anger management self-helps.
Wdiftya, I'm not so sure that the vinegar spewage is limited to--or even more often committed by--women. I think men do just as much with their hurtful tongues as we chicks. I can tell you that MrHP is every bit as prone to angry outbursts as me. In fact, his father is negative and NEVER has a nice word to say about anyone. In addition to that, he is quick to hit and wants to resolve his frustration through physical action. Though H did not technically inherit this tendency, he sure learned how not to act from him. He has had to really try to get a lid on his violent tendencies and to his credit he has lashed out at me only a handful of times in our entire marriage. Considering where he came from, this is really admirable.
In recent years, he has undertaken the task of becoming more pleasant to be around and less apt to complain and biatch about everything. I'm so proud of him for this and find him inspirational!
I have a list of faults, all related to anger, myself and will gladly share them if anyone asks (lol) but I wanted to respond to the notion that women are more prone to vinegar than men. It's simply not true, though it may be your personal experience.
At any rate, thanks for the Amazon link! You are a fountain of knowledge, did anyone ever tell you that.
Quote: I'm not so sure that the vinegar spewage is limited to--or even more often committed by--women.
Maybe not, but how many people of either gener would consider that news?
Quote: I think men do just as much with their hurtful tongues as we chicks. I can tell you that MrHP is every bit as prone to angry outbursts as me.
Point taken.
Quote: Though H did not technically inherit this tendency, he sure learned how not to act from him. He has had to really try to get a lid on his violent tendencies and to his credit he has lashed out at me only a handful of times in our entire marriage. Considering where he came from, this is really admirable.
Exactly, it is learned behavior! My MIL is the whiner's whiner. My W considered whining a valid form of adult communication until just the last year.
Quote: In recent years, he has undertaken the task of becoming more pleasant to be around and less apt to complain and biatch about everything. I'm so proud of him for this and find him inspirational!
Good for the both of you. Keep encouraging him in this. BTW can you share some of the ways you managed to accomplish this?
Quote: I have a list of faults, all related to anger, myself and will gladly share them if anyone asks (lol)
That's OK.
Quote: I wanted to respond to the notion that women are more prone to vinegar than men. It's simply not true, though it may be your personal experience.
That it is. Again who would consider it news? My W was so stunned to find that her own speaking of fewer than 3 sentences a day that were neither complaints nor orders could deteriorate our R.
Quote: At any rate, thanks for the Amazon link! You are a fountain of knowledge, did anyone ever tell you that.
Quite welcome. That's the purpose of this BB. Let us know if any of those tomes work out for you. Yes, some friends have commented that I should be on various trivia game shows.
I think there is a difference between being angry and having a bad temper. I think people who know me and even I have a hard time recognizing or respecting my anger because I don't have a bad temper.
My sister was describing something her boyfriend did that made her angry and she used the phrase "I was infuriated.". I just don't get infuriated very often and even though I've described myself as being a bit of a crybaby in my marital relationship, I'm really not generally emotionally reactive in that way either. For instance, I've pretty much never cried or lost my temper or even felt like I might in any sort of work or social or otherwise public situation. Therefore, the fact that my relationship with my H makes me cry and even lose my temper sometimes makes me feel like it must be really terrible and long for escape so I can just go back to being my generally calm, happy self. Does this make sense?
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: Remember, Cally, you catch more flies with honey than sulfuric acid. Yes I know the Biblical phrase was vinegar. The problem is that so many women I've known use (metaphorically) strong acid to catch flies--vinegar would be a step in the right direction.
Okay why I know this is true....I find myself so angry anymore. I am so hostile and angry on the outside. But inside I feel I am crying. I have been in a SSM for 8 years and I find myself at this point to be resentful and angry at him and towards him. Today was another example of anger.I asled my husband two simple things......balance the checkbook if you are going to use your debit card or checkbook. Two please while I am working buy some grass seed and put it out. I had spent 3 hours tilling the yard. All I asked while I had to go work 9 hours is just pour bag in spreader and spread it. Well, not only does he not balance the checkbook. He didn't spread the seed because he waited to long and it rained.
Now before I started working I calmly told my husband if he wanted me to work outside the home he was going to have to help. I said if we are both working full time you need to do half the chores in the house. I asked him to take over the bills and finances for one. Not only does he refuse to take over the finaces or pay a bill. He hasn't helped hardly at all. I spend half the day cleaning and half the day working. I am finding myself exhausted, bitter, and angry. I don't know what to do with this anger. It's like I have another child in the house. So here's to how I have to pay the bills or handle finaces......guess how much is in there. He uses the debit card regularly and doesn't deduct it ever.
