Miracle at JJ's

[Lillieperl]

I agree- that is NOT characteristic of a 7. It's the a$$hole in him coming out. Even when he said it, I couldn't tell if he meant it, or if he just said it to piss me off-- probably the latter.

Going around feeling "in love" all day is one of life's greatest joys. Someday I hope to be there again.

[honeypot]

My type 6 husband has said the same thing about going around being in lurv all day and, yes, he was being an a$$hole too.

[MJontheMend]

Did the results surprise you or is that what you were expecting?

It was pretty much what I was expecting. My H has pretty much been expecting normal results too since his doctor told him that he doubted that was his problem. At first, my H had a reaction that was good from my perspective. He decided that since it wasn't the hormones, it must be a psychological problem that he just needed to "get over" and that is why we've been having sex pretty frequently the last few weeks. However, he has now decided that he can be HD if he wants to be therefore if he doesn't want to be HD with me there must be something wrong with me. What is wrong with me is I used to be too fat and I'm still a little too fat and now that I am not too fat, I am too demanding and not as nice. He said that I don't understand men and most women "bend" more easily than me. Apparently, he wants to be married to a fully-posable Barbie doll. My reaction to this comment was "Please go find someone more submissive than me." at which point he did backpedal his way out of the cave a bit .

[MJontheMend]

I agree that JJ's husband acts in a very immature way. To be a 4 and have no introspective skills or inclinations must be he11.

I guess I'm not describing my H very well if I give the impression that he has no introspective skills. He is well aware that he has the tendencies that he has. The problem is he thinks that since I am also aware of his tendencies I should avoid doing things that bring them out in him. He actually said something to me along the lines of "Yes, I am envious because you are taking this trip with your sisters. You know that is how I am, so why do you do things that make me feel this way?".

[honeypot]

That's the immaturity I'm talkin about, J.

I think he sounds like a very deep and interesting guy, but also a big fat baby. LOL

I wish you were here with me, so you'd know that I was saying that not in a nasty way but in a oh girl there is nothing else to do but laugh at the ridiculousness of it all way.

Please. You know I'm jealous so you shouldn't do fun things.

That makes me laugh!

[StubbornDyke]

You know that is how I am, so why do you do things that make me feel this way?

Wow.

BTW, when I was asking about fighting as a precursor to sex, I wasn't thinking so much that the fight is a direct turn on. Your descriptions make me wonder if H is more comfortable approaching sex with an adversarial, well defended attitude rather than coming from a loving, vulnerable place.

[MJontheMend]

Please. You know I'm jealous so you shouldn't do fun things.

That makes me laugh!

It's even "funnier" when you consider that he was actually livid with anger when he said it. His face was pretty much as red as his hair.

[MJontheMend]

Your descriptions make me wonder if H is more comfortable approaching sex with an adversarial, well defended attitude rather than coming from a loving, vulnerable place.

I would say that is almost certainly true. He has said that sex and love aren't linked for him and he has also indicated that sex and aggression/power are linked for him. When we were first married, he frequently initiated sex by wrestling with me. Though it isn't necessarily about a straightforward need to be dominant because some of his kinkier fantasies involve me being quite psychologically dominant rather than vice-versa. Also, he has on a couple occasions indicated that a porn image turned him on because the woman looked vulnerable but he has also told me that a good way to initiate with him might be just to order him to have sex.

[cinemanymph]

JJ paraphrased her H saying:

"Yes, I am envious because you are taking this trip with your sisters. You know that is how I am, so why do you do things that make me feel this way?".

Though this is not a desirable response to a fun vacation with just the girls, your H is being honest with you. That is more than some husbands would admit. "What, me jealous, I'm not jealous" and then proceed to dole out punishment while pretending not to feel envious. There is an opportunity here to pose some questions to your H. (1) Why do you think you feel that way? (2) What are some things you think you could do to aleviate that feeling? (3) What are some things you have been longing to do that you have put off? (4) What inner resources do you have to tolerate feeling jealous?

Maybe he is insecure about his own ability to form relationships and is projecting that on you. You know, for some people, it seems so easy to attract and cultivate friends. That apparant ease makes their difficulty that much more frustrating.

If you leave him with some positive things to think about while you are gone, he may find some ways to enjoy your absence as well as welcome you back with some enthusiasm. If he makes some effort toward growth, he will feel more in control, more able to handle your absence as well as make an effort to provide a special homecoming for you.

I know you are exasperated, I have dealt with the same issue of my H being jealous of my friendships. He has made me choose him or them at times throughout our marriage (ex. Pearl Jam was playing on my birthday last year, friends bought tix and invited me to go, H threw such a fit that I ended up doing nothing on my birthday). There has been long stretches of time when I didn't talk to or see any of my friends (I have no siblings) because I did not want to deal with his jealousy, his feelings that surely if I was out with friends I would cheat on him. Trying to convince him that I just needed to do girly things with my friends didn't seem like the effort. It is lonely not being able to connect with the women who mean so much to me. Sad, but true, this is where I get my female perspective.