Quote: I do get what you are saying about having a capacity for empathy, and I definitely feel this is a missing ingredient in my marriage. While H is no cold blooded monster, his capacity to listen to my pain and turmoil is limited....
That image from the article of someone who just sits and listens to you until you are finished and who takes a drink of coffee when you stop talking just in case you have something else to say... that's what I do get from girlfriends (and some male friends) that I don't get from my bf. The other day, during our big blowup, he said that it's not normal to go around feeling "in love" all day. He doesn't even think about it. And that the moments of connection are rare and fleeting and we should just be grateful to have them at all. Geez... would you like gruel with that?
HP said
Quote: should have said that I believe that JJ's husband acts immaturely when feeling envious..not that I think that all 4's are immature. (though I will tell you straight up that I think it is an ugly characteristic and not one to just say, Well that's how 4's are...kwim?)
I agree that JJ's husband acts in a very immature way. To be a 4 and have no introspective skills or inclinations must be he11. I've never felt like anyone here was bashing 4's. Not all 4's are immature (for instance, I don't think I am ), but all 4's are plagued with the tendency to be envious. When I feel envious, it's my signal to examine my feelings, do a vertical drop if necessary, and realize that when we envy something, we usually have the thing we envy or at least the potential for it within ourselves.
The purpose of the enneagram is greater self-knowledge. To that end, no one should say, "Well, that's just the way I am-- get used to it!" The idea is to see that I have a tendency to envy others instead of looking to myself to fulfill myself; for my bf to see that he has a tendency to keep planning and never get around to doing the thing, or to drink to avoid his pain; for my late husband (who was a 9) to be able to see all sides of a situation and have a hard time figuring out what his own opinion was; for the 5 to hide out with facts and figures and avoid human contact; for the 1 to believe s/he is always right and other people should just fall in line, etc.
), but all 4's are plagued with the tendency to be envious. When I feel envious, it's my signal to examine my feelings, do a vertical drop if necessary, and realize that when we envy something, we usually have the thing we envy or at least the potential for it within ourselves. 